Lovers of falling in love with love: Here you’'ll find some select seasons of the Bachelor blog brought over from their original home. Will we be back with new seasons? Maybe! (Go here for my TV recaps at Entertainment Weekly. )

I’m in Love with Ben From Warsaw

The gloomy cloud of rancid spray tan mist that hung over the group in the Bahamas has followed the gang to Indiana, despite the All-American delights being offered up by the town of Warsaw in the form of pontoon boats, cafes without wi-fi, and throwing leaves (which I often do with my friends when we’re feeling playful in autumn).

Seeing Ben in his home environment afflicted the already shaky ladies with a heart-yearning so deep it caused them to self-destruct — and no one more so than Becca. The wizened veteran! Then there was JoJo, with the verbal loop about Walls™ and how she doesn’t want them to go up but they are going up anyway, and only certain things can make them come down, but will those things transpire? And Caila — once a self-proclaimed Sex Panther, super confident in her luscious hair and her ability to slay with nonsense talk — has also started to unravel. The only one without cracks in the facade is Lauren B., who is no longer even Lauren B. anymore but The Last Lauren Standing and the obvious front-runner. Here’s the thing about Lauren: she is the only one not wandering off into crazytown, and that’s because she is too busy sincerely falling in love with Ben.

Nick and I were talking the other night about how the most compelling performances aren’t when the actor shows you an emotion, but when he or she discovers the emotion right in front of you, in real time. And I daresay when Lauren’s big eyes filled with tears and she looked into the camera and declared her love for Ben, that was legit. I am all for Lauren. I like her toothy grin and her regular-ness. She is in love with Ben.

I am REALLY excited for next week when we’ll meet the original #1 love of Lauren’s life: her dad. In the meantime…

1-on-1 w JoJo

JoJo exhausts me. I can’t even with her Walls mania and all the conditions she needs met in order to simply make out with a cute boy on TV show she signed up for. She basically wants Ben to tell her he’s chosen her, but since this is a dating competition show on network television and production is unlikely to shut down early, we’re just going to have to endure her shtick until the end of her journey – which looks like it could be soon, based on some family drama that promises to go down next week wheeeeee!

Meanwhile, only one MacArthur genius in the group realizes that the date card’s reference to “the windy city” is Chicago. And once JoJo and Ben arrive there, it’s a Bachelor classic: an empty Wrigley field with dinner served in centerfield. Dinner in centerfield! Exactly! JoJo’s lack of a grasp of the most basic tenets of baseball is extreme, which surprised me! I’d have thought she was sportif. But that’s is what I love about this show — it’s knocking down barriers and teaching me that you can’t always judge a book by its cover.

3-on-1 with Caila, Amanda and Becca

This date was a montage of very pleasant Warsaw-y activities — row a boat, fly a kite, relax on a bale of hay — made very unpleasant by the deep river of anxiety coursing through its participants. What a shitshow, I loved it!

As soon as Becca started complaining to Ben about how hard the journey’s been, I was all forget about it, she’s toast. I liked when she whisper-threatened “don’t blindside me.” So intense! I know she fancies herself a bachelor VIP — like that person in your high school class doing a post-grad year — but there isn’t really a way for him not to blindside her based on the way the game works. Unless she meant that she’d prefer he not dismiss her via rose ceremony at all and that it just be a quiet rejection chat on a tractor, say, or at the drive-in movies? There are only so many hours in a week, though. Poor Becca. There’s always Chris Soules? Ugh she hates Chris Soules.

I’m not even going to comment on the McDonald’s bit other than to say that personally I’m thrilled that they’ve started serving breakfast all day. Also, would Amanda maybe want to add some long, face-framing layers?

1-on-1 with Emily

This was tragic all around. Tragic for eager-to-see-the-world Emily. Tragic for us at home to have to watch. But most of all, tragic for Ben’s parents. I was furious with Ben for not taking his mom out of her misery. Ben’s poor mom! Could he not have given her a little off camera wink, a little message to tell her oh I’m not in love with this person, don’t even worry about it she’s going home in about five minutes. 

Here’s what, though: how sweet was it when Emily broke down in front of the women and they all cried with her? Definitely some of that was sheer relief and exhaustion. And probably hunger. But still – the image of them all weeping over Emily’s weeping and clinging to one another other in their loungewear was rather sweet.

In closing:

• Is Ben an only child?

• What do we think makes Warsaw, Indiana “the orthopedic capital?” I’m off to Google-ville, will let you know what I discover.

Until next week — hometowns, the most wonderful TV night of the year! Wish I was being facetious.

xoMH

I Want to Talk Smart Things

I don’t know much but I do know this:

1) Thin Mints pair beautifully with sour bears.

2) Even though in fashion there are no can’ts, you can’t wear a neon fringe bikini with a sheer, earthy, bohemian-style cover up; those are two different worlds.

3) A person who talks nonsense is complicated, and complicated = good.*

Storms are brewing outside, and storms are brewing inside… peoples’ hearts. The environs are, in fact, so topsy-turvy throughout this episode (pigs swimming!?) that even The Rose must be tethered with wire to its driftwood platter.

Sorry not to write more this week. I’m exhausted from binging on Making a Murderer.  Every moment of free time has been spent finishing the episodes, and now, reading about the case and its starring players.

See you next time, xMh

*Corollary: People who smile a lot are uncomplicated and, furthermore, bad.

Ben Already Tasted My Taco and He Loved It                                   

Am I paying any attention to the returns coming in from Iowa or devoting the entire evening to a bowl of sour bears and The Bachelor – taking frequent breaks to make CAUCUS jokes with Nick? #intellectualrigor

This is the episode where things take a turn for the investigative. A chin-scratching twist has been thrown into Ben’s lap (and all of ours): Are there two Olivias? Seems crazy, I know, but there appears to be one version of Olivia in the house with the girls and another version of Olivia with Ben. Ben’s got to figure out what’s going on. Understandably, this is too intense for one episode so it’s going to be a cliffhanger.

I cannot get over the widespread claims of Olivia’s halitosis. It’s already been upsetting me for weeks, but to have it mentioned again tonight has taken me over the edge. I have a feeling she’s going to be stubborn hanger on-er and it’ll be a couple weeks until we can shake her. I think the rule is that the villain needs to stick around for a certain number of episodes? In the meantime,

 1-on-1 with Amanda (a mom, ew)

Apparently Amanda has seen this show before because she was smart enough to sleep in a full-face of makeup including three layers of lip gloss. If I recall correctly, last season Britt did this regularly – just in case. This is so terrible for your skin.

To me, Amanda scored the ideal date itinerary: hot air balloon followed by a picnic in tall grass. And, amazingly, despite the fact that Amanda is a mom, Ben likes her! He doesn’t mind her baby voice and he sees “the pain in her story” and he loves it! Olivia, as usual, is dead wrong on this point. Ben isn’t scared of Amanda’s momness; he is enlivened by the chance to swoop in and fix. Olivia does not understand the very essence of Ben.

I liked when Ben admitted to being a retainer-wearer. Not only was it a generous and kind thing to say in the moment, but I admire people who take their dental health seriously. (Unlike Olivia.)

I wear a retainer when N falls asleep.

Group date

Ben sits on a bench, brushing up on his Spanish as the group approaches. Wonderful.

Jubilee’s rapid unraveling is the A-storyline of this date. It was as if someone invited an angry tween along on a field trip, and nobody was spared her petulant, nonsensical outbursts. Listen, Jubilee is really beautiful. I’m moved by what she shared about her painful and incredibly difficult upbringing. But — and this is just pragmatic — if you’re a person who prefers dating someone who is not co-dating a dozen other people, then The Bachelor is maybe not the best environment for you, which is why the majority of people on planet Earth don’t choose to date that way. Also Jubilee keeps stealing unlovable™. Ben could sue her.

This McDonalds commercial is everything. The way Catherine says “and he likes lunch” is so sick, I keep hate-watching it.

1-on-1 with Lauren H.

This date! Lauren is muppet-y and goofy — in the best way — and it’s such a nice change of energy. She’s drama-free and accent-full and just 100% doing her thing, and good for her for owning that catwalk. Ben, too, shirt notwithstanding.

Quite looking forward to part two of our cliffhanger next week. The Super Bowl leftovers will be in my house, and, to borrow Ben’s phrasing, I will be fully engrossed into seeing what happens when Ben confronts Olivia (and Olivia’s breath confronts Ben.)

xMH

Like, Roses Will Never Be The Same

It is absolutely exhilarating, that moment each season when the gals first hop on a jet plane, burst out of L.A. and hit the actual, oxygenated world, en masse. Imagine what it’s like to be a regular human person vacationing in Vegas, say, and you’re doing a little shopping or catching a ventriloquist show – then lo and behold you encounter this hive of screaming, infinity-scarved women. Can you even imagine?

What a sweet gift that we get to observe their clothing choices during these segments! Becca seems to have stolen my outfit from grades 10 & 11 (daisy dukes, white top, flannel shirt wrapped around the waist in case I suddenly need to go to an Allman Brothers concert). Caila knows that Vegas = flash, hence her sequined short-sleeved cardigan wuut. Suddenly, beautifully, we’re knee-deep in Fun Blazers and cropped denim jackets – and ALL the girls know that ripped jeans mean “relaxed times.” Vegas, baby! I’m happy.

In case anyone’s wondering why Las Vegas? Ben’s there to spell it out. Las Vegas is “a place where people do find love,” a place “where the opportunities [to catch pubic lice] are endless.”

1-on-1 with JoJo

JoJo needs this date so badly and thank God she gets it. She is 100% ready to open up to Ben (she took her walls down in advance), and she’s got a shirt that’s actually half of a medical gown fastened with a safety pin.

By the way, what has happened to this show that the date activity is the helicopter ride? In previous seasons, the helicopter was simply a means to travel to the activity – which might be rappelling off buildings or dog-sledding with Alaskan Malamutes. It’s so abrupt the way they do it now: they go up into the sky, murmur about how beautiful it is and how they can’t believe they’re doing this on account of their crippling fear of heights, then come down and have fake dinner. I miss the more active daytime adventures.

But no matter, dinnertime brought with it JoJo’s black jumpsuit (loved it) and the painful, brave sharing of her dark past (had a boyfriend but they broke up). AND fireworks. OMG it is seriously so fucking unfair that she gets fireworks.

Yeah, but the rest of you gurls got this:

The Group Date

This segment was such an unholy spectacle, I loved every minute of it. The setting alone — under the tutelage of Terry Fator who does “impressions of singers through puppets without moving your lips” —  is pretty much my Las Vegas (and life) fear.

I was impressed by the twins’ Riverdance, by Jubilee’s cello solo, by Lauren B’s juggling and Caila’s hula dance.

Poor Olivia. She’s like a child — all bluster and bravado until she gets ahead of herself and it all crumbles into a pile of hot-faced shame. I’m not too worried about her, though, because check out her news anchor demo reel. She has the cadence down! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m so much less concerned with her villainy than I am with her alleged halitosis. I feel like I can see it.

1-on-1 with Becca

It was fun to see this crazy cat again, and by by crazy cat, I mean very low pulse/ pretty cat. I’m mesmerized by her beachy waves and golden skin and barely-moving face. And I’d forgotten about that voice! Like it’s coming from deep within a vacuum cleaner bag! The way she threw her head back and laughed heartily when Ben was talking about Chris Soules and how he almost asked her to marry him was terrific. Ha ha ha that silly farming man. Personally I’d like to hear her talk more about being a 26-year-old-virgin — I find it innaresting. Speaking of, PLEASE let it be that someone refers to me a Sex Panther before I die. Anyone.

Twin date (bonus round)

The twins have perhaps been the most invisible contestant/s of this season but then all of a sudden here we are in Vegas with a plot twist tossed in – and now the twins’ trajectory is the most drama we’ve seen all season. Seriously, you’re going to wake these girls up from a nap and tell them you’re taking them back to the homestead to check in with their mom and decide which one of them should be sacrificed? That’s so mean.

Are these salon blowouts or is this group just very good at doing hair? These are the kinds of questions a sex panther like me mulls over late at night.

Until next time,

MH

Am I Agressive? Yeah. Do I Have Bad Toes? Yeah.

There’s nothing so glorious and exciting as the return of Bachelor season. So many sweet, sweet Monday night pleasures in the form of couch lounging, savory snacks, analyzing fashions and generally obliterating my mind. Season 20 is underway, and like each and every identical season that preceded it, we have a cornucopia of fine ingredients – chief among them a new batch of contestants who apparently have never once watched the show before, or seen a helicopter.

Welcome back into my home, you terrible, beautiful beast!

What is there to say about Ben Higgins other than that he’s a complete doll? It’s not just that he’s got the face of Peter Brady and the chest-hair of a real human man; three episodes into this godforsaken enterprise it’s clear he’s kind, sensitive, and emotionally attuned. Like every other bachelor, he wants to find a love like his parents’ love, which, fine. But it seems like Ben Higgins might actually be looking for love – and if so, I want him to find it.

Tonight was all about Jubilee, was it not? She’s gorgeous, and lord knows I love a crisp white outfit, but her trajectory over the episode was whiplash-inducing. She spiraled into such a deeply dark place about the possibility of not getting chosen for the 1-on-1, then she did get chosen and went from a euphoric high to an almost catatonic state, then was pretty much hostile to Ben for the first part of the date, and then eventually “evened out” to coast on a steady plane of weepiness and complete incoherence. I’m not a therapist, but I think this may be some self-sabotage? Oh and when she mentioned that her biggest fear is that she’s unlovable™ I was all “you’re stealing Ben’s insecurity!” I am very concerned about Jubilee indeed, but… Ben likes it! She’s a wounded bird and he’s into it.

Listen, I could analyze the ladies’ downtime loungewear for hours. It fascinates me to no end to check out what they wear in The House during their single-sex time. In fact, these outfits are the gateway to a whole slew of questions I have about the show’s production overall. For example: why the workout gear? Are they actually working out on the premises, or is it simply one of many wardrobe options to communicate “I’m multi-faceted, with interests?” Is there a gym? Surely they aren’t allowed to leave the house to go on a run? They must feel cooped up – God, I would be so claustrophobic. Do the women feel the need to be camera-ready at all times? Is there a private place to go when they want, like, a safe-house? Do they generally know when a date card is coming and do they casually dress up for its arrival and decide in advance which person is going to read the card aloud? So. Many. Questions.

I felt for Lace. I never bought her as the villain. Best for her to go, but I will miss that voice of hers, the lazy river voice that reminds me of the SNL sketch you look like a rabbit.

Obviously we have some kind of hot tub sponsor this season.

Next week: a(nother) panic attack! Until then,
xMH

The Bachelorette 

I’m the World’s Biggest Joke  

I don’t know, was it “the most dramatic finale ever in Bachelorette history,” or two interminable hours of vapor mist – with a soupçon of boating and a whole lot of changing outfits, quiet weeping, sitting on different surfaces and talking about “connections” (intensity level options: strong, stronger or strongest), and marveling about the sheer craziness of having actually arrived at this moment in time? TOMORROW AAAAAAHHHH!

Many minutes were spent standing at balconies being pensive.

Tonight’s ep was the best night ever for me, though, because I had my brother by my side giggling steadily throughout and we had Fudgesicles.

It’s so strange to think it was just few seasons ago that bachelor Sean Lowe proposed to Catherine in a stunning setting in Thailand before they rode off on elephants together (as lovers do), and now we’ve plummeted to a low-budget depth where we’ve eliminated hometown episodes altogether and resort to putting up the families in sterile suites at a conference center in Utah. And the finale — the pinnacle of this whole shebang that Chris Harrison keeps promising will be more grand and spectacular than anything ever witnessed before by humans — takes place back at the good old bachelor mansion, that vodka-soaked STD headquarters in Agoura Hills, CA. It’s a return to the Motherland- if that Motherland was to smell of Victoria’s Secret body spray and stale maraschino cherries, which surely it does. This show just does not care anymore. Plus tonight begs the philosophical question: is it truly a “journey” if you end up back where you started? (Though I noticed they did install some hardwood flooring by the pool since we last were there. Flooring befitting of a bended knee. Wonderful stuff.)

I feel bad for Nick. Sure he’s a shillypantsh with a penchant for shkinny troushersh, and yes, he has gone on a reality show (twice!) to find a spouse – but a part of me forgives his insatiable need for attention since it obviously stems from having grown up with so many siblings.

The bottom line is that Kaitlyn was cold as ice. To let Nick utter that whole weepy intro to his proposal was low. Is that “good TV?”  Furthermore, it seems like Kaitlyn’s relationship with Nick really was strong – much stronger than her relationship with Shawn. Kaitlyn herself seemed to be saying so, in many ways, up until the end. Of course I expected Shawn to win because of the leaked Snapchat, but it was still disconcerting to see it happen and play out the way it did – especially in light of how deeply Nick’s family fears for his mental and emotional health.

I hope Kaitlyn has a nice life with Shawn, who is a sociopath.

Miscellany

• Kaitlyn’s mom is a little firecracker, eh? There was a funny moment when she was talking about having watched Andi’s season and I was all ew, what kind of parent watches this dreck? As if a responsible adult would ever 1) watch this deeply disturbing show, and 2) admit it to the world. And then I realized that I am a parent who watches this beautiful garbage and spends time blogging about it for my friends. So there’s that. Also I loved when K’s mom said she had opinions about Nick already from last season, and Kaitlyn and her sister Haley were all ughhh mom, no! You can’t! This is a whole ‘nother season!

• I understand this is a theatrical production, I get that we need “dramatic tension.” But I simply don’t understand being one day away from The Proposal and still being unsure about which man you love more. Call me old fashioned but I don’t think you can be in love with several people at the same time – and even if you do have strong feelings for more than one person, fine; surely you can discern what and whom your heart prefers? In sum: a person cannot go to sleep at night NOT KNOWING WHO THEY WILL BECOME ENGAGED TO THE NEXT DAY.

• Please don’t ever let me talk to my parents about my sexual regrets.

Really grateful for those of you who read and journeyed along with me during Kaitlyn’s fairy tale. Thank you! I’m innarested to learn who our next Prince Charming will be – the spurned Nick who’s gonna get back on that horse and redeem himself from being “the world’s biggest joke,” or Ben H, who just can’t wait to get his hands on 25 eligible ladies and talk so hard all night long. Time will tell – but no matter who it is that cycles their poor souls into the Bach machine, I’ll be there to devour it all. And of course, to write aboot it.

Sleep tight, luvvers. xMH

He’s Serious When it Comes to Feelings           

Who’s driving this horse and WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY SHOW? This season, it’s as if the glorious, technicolor, outer space landscape I so love to swaddle myself in each week has been stripped down and muted and shorn of its distinguishing features. Everything feels like it’s happening behind a scrim of gloomy failure. As a connoisseur of this show (not a brag, I assure you) I can say that this season is barely recognizable. For example, we’ve barely even seen Chris Harrison! For 87 years this show has toiled to justify Chris Harrison’s presence – this season they’ve just given up.

When they announced a few weeks ago that they’d be cutting the number of hometown dates in half, it was a blow. But the fact that they ended up eliminating the hometown dates altogether is a tragedy. The hometowns episode is obviously the pièce de résistance of any season. It’s the final stretch reward – a fascinating anthropological field trip where we viewers get to tour America and traipse into these characters’ homes to glimpse their habitats of origin. Nothing fascinates me more than scrutinizing everyone’s decor and what’s for dinner and what room two people at a time will choose to tuck away to when it’s “private chat” time. More than this, though, hometowns give us a chance to burst out of the hermetically sealed Bachelor bubble for a minute – a chance to see our plastic figurines navigate the actual, oxygenated world. I love to watch the family members endure and/ or embrace this truly unholy circumstance.

I gather that flying the families to Utah in place of real hometowns had something to do with preventing spoilers. Fine. But why bother then? The point of going to the homesteads is color and life and flavor. The Utah location appeared to be a sterile conference center – and in the case of Nick’s family in particular, it was a weepy and terribly tragic conference.

I’m already out on Nick in every way, but this time spent with his family was just alarming what with their concern over the state of his heart. It made me wonder a) what happened to Nick before all this, and b) Is Nick made of glass? Seeing the way his mom cried — that was real mom heartache — makes me concerned that perhaps Nick is actually unstable in a profound way. In addition to being arrogant.

Can you imagine having so many siblings? I would have such food anxiety.

Shawn… ugh. Listen, on the plus side, Shawn has muscles and is fun. The downside of Shawn is he’s a rage-a-holic, constantly crying, neurotic man with trust issues and an addiction to hair product.

Poor Ben. I knew when Ben kept selling the “talk all night” card he was digging his own grave. When Kaitlyn assured us Ben had “everything on the checklist” it was clear he was being buried. Plus, with him in his mid to late 20s and Kaitlyn in her late 20s, it was important that they talk frankly about their controversial age difference.

Obviously my favorite moment of the episode was when Nick was lurking like the total criminal he is outside Kaitlyn’s room so he could intercept Shawn. And then claimed not to have known he’d find Shawn there. Which one, shmartypansh? God this show doesn’t even try anymore.

Obviously my favorite outfit of the night was Kaitlyn’s coral gown. Color was gorgeous, open back was gorgeous (K-dawg loves herself an open back and all manner of cut-outs, no?), but the open front was too open. Not in a breasty way, necessarily, but in a way that my friend Jordan pointed out was so aggressively open it was almost medical.

Oh and dear lord if my son ever shares with me that a girl is “great at making out” I’ll lock him in his room, age notwithstanding.

Nighty night luvvers,

xMH

The Other Guy

Remember Ben [Ben’s season]?

Guys, I’m sorry but this lazehole can’t write a ton tonight. I suffered a food-related injury last night having to do with indoor marshmallow roasting and a fork as hot as the white-hot sun and my mouth. Because of this mishap I’ve been off my game all day. I will be brief here so I can go watch Transparent and gargle warm salt water.

Things to chew on, like a horse chews hay. (Definitely just typed “hey.” Hey girl):

• What would be happening this season if Kaitlyn had not had sex with Nick and then slut-shamed her own self? What on God’s green earth would fill the two hours each week?

• Is eskimo brothersh sheriously a thing? Kaitlyn sheemsh to know about it but I’m in the dark.

• Will Ben H(andsome) continue to play the “talk all night” card during his Fantasy Suite date or will he drop that silliness?

• Would you describe Kaitlyn as relieved or quite disappointed that Shawn didn’t flip a table over when he learned of her sexcapade with Nick?

• Is Jared for real with that disarming, gentlemanly behavior upon getting the boot – or is he just hoping to get in the running to be the next Bachelor even though how could he possibly be- with that pattern of facial hair?

• Is the horse-drawn carriage a very masculine way for the men to arrive to the cocktail party? That’s not a real question. (Hi again, Ben [Ben’s season]!)

This is a fair amount to chew on so chew away – though I shan’t be doing much chewing at all, as I’ll be sticking to soft foods (the s’mores injury) for a few more days.

Next week- a very stunning coral-colored dress, it appears, and MORE Nick vs. Shawn!

Nighty night, loversh.

Nice Day for a RoadTrip, Eh?

Look – it’s exhausting as hell to watch crying for two hours, even if you are simultaneously shopping online for sandals. I had some terrific Butter Pecan Hagen Dazs which was the highlight for me of this drippy episode- and another thing I accomplished during this time which I’m really excited about is I doused my hair in coconut oil, put it in a bun and am going to sleep in it. You have to wash your hair about 76 times in the morning to get the oil out but it’s worth it- it makes your hair soft as a bunny!

Now. Time to talk about how this whole spectacular enterprise, comprised of vats of nothingness, is falling apart into more nothingness.

Here’s the gist: This program — which exists largely as a travelogue/ live-action brochure for various destinations worldwide and as a “talent pool” from which ABC can draw for purposes of programming cross-promotion — is now announcing a change in its age-old structure so that it can deal with the fact that its substance has decreased. As Chris Harrison explained, production has decided to switch things up in a last ditch effort to compensate for Kaitlyn’s TANKING IT HARD. Hometown dates: slashed! Fantasy suite dates: hastened! Off-camera fraternizing: encouraged!

So I haven’t read Kaitlyn’s contract, but I’m certain it stipulates that her job is simply to get to know a group of men by doing activities with them over the course of several weeks (helicopter rides, picnics, running into oceans, jumping off boats), then pick her top four, then meet their families, then pick the the top three, then have sex with those three on three successive nights, then pick a favorite guy and date him for anywhere from two months (the minimum) to two years (if she wants to keep the ring from Neil Lane Jewelers). It’s not that hard. In fact this system is such a well-oiled machine that all a person really needs to do is show up with a rolling suitcase containing two or three dresses and one sarong and just mosey along the rose-festooned road from there.

But from the beginning, Kaitlyn’s been off course. First of all, she hasn’t gotten to know any of the boys very well because all the pleasant, typical activities have been replaced by competitions (sumo wrestling, boxing, stand up comedy, rapping, eulogizing). Then it was on to having sex with Nick, feeling bad about it, and crying all over town. There was also some promise-making to Shawn, feeling bad about that, and crying all over town. Nick and Shawn both feel miserable, each convinced that he is the cause of Kaitlyn’s crying all over town – which each is. The guys who are not Nick and Shawn are also miserable, because they’re like who is Kaitlyn so miserable about? I wish it was me! so they’re also crying all over town. 

As this episode progressed I realized that obviously Shawn’s blue suit was the absurd outer shell symbolizing his roiling inner mess. How did this gelatinous fellow ever get past psych screening to get on this show? I get Shawn’s initial appeal. But as we’ve seen, his Gosling-ness wears off quickly and has devolved into so much toddler-style storming, pacing, wincing, and brooding. Most importantly, he doesn’t seem to get that he’s on a show, meaning that even if Kaitlyn was totally on board with him they couldn’t just shut down production and call off the rest of the season. Shawn is hard to watch because I’ve dated this person. Not Shawn B specifically but there have been a couple Shawn Bs in my past. I used to fall for boys like that — compelled as I was by their abs and and gruff nature and total devotion which I found very fascinating, separately and in combination. In these cases you overlook tiny nagging things – like that they’re not great at formulating complex sentences – because they drive a truck, and can toss you into the air like nothing. And it’s fine for a short while, until it’s not and then you quickly extricate. Someone needs to stick a cane into frame and yank Shawn out accompanied by a jazzy little song. I have to say, though, I appreciated his one moment of poise tonight when he threw that zinger at Nick: “I don’t know how you’re doing this two times.” Commiserating on the outside, nougat-y zinging on the inside!

BTW I still don’t understand why Kaitlyn feels she has to tell people about “being intimate” with Nick. If she’s just trying to pre-empt Nick’s blabbering then I guess go ahead? But Kaitlyn’s a grown lady, she can do what she wants. As much as this show ties to establish that these are all real, actual dating relationships, they are not. Kaitlyn isn’t dating nine guys and she’s not dating one guy and she doesn’t have to tell anyone her whereabouts or sexabouts.

This season’s new non-format is dizzying, is it not? It used to be that each episode went according to the same general outline: three dates followed by a rose ceremony followed by the announcement of the next grand location they’d be traveling to. But now it’s topsy-turvy! We’re stuck in Dublin interminably crying on a loop, and days are blending into weeks and some shows start with rose ceremonies, some end with them, and generally it’s difficult to keep track of what’s happening in real time. It’s like we’re in a casino. One where everything is underneath a layer of melted candle wax.

Guys, I have a ton to say about Kaitlyn’s wardrobe — much of it positive — but I am just so sleepy. We will discuss it next time, though: cut outs, sheer panels in the style of ice dancers, and fringe. Let’s not forget.

Peace out, lovers. Until next week. Or should I say SEXt week. Who will Kaitlyn choose for her ABC-sanctioned romps, will Nick be given another go, and will Shawn stick around or will he throw himself into this fire?

xMH

I’m Being Punished For Being Intellectual

Don’t let that bow-tie-of-whimsy fool you, Nick is a criminal. Last week I stood up for him, this week I rescind. It’s lame to sex-and-tell, even if — especially if — you are pretending to be demure. Nick is the dude who in high school and college never got any action and now as an adult goes around blabbing and trying to diminish others to make up for lost time.

Still. I’m tremendously grateful to him for gifting us with this wonderful episode of television.

It’s not often that this show gives me actual human feelings (except superiority and hunger) but tonight made me uncomfortable, which made me feel alive! Seeing Nick and Kaitlyn grope and lip-bite each all around other around Dublin was excruciating – and it only went gloriously downhill from there as they made their way back to the hotel to whisper phrases such as “I want to know every part of you” followed by a shutting bedroom door followed by oh shoot, the microphones are still on and LOW MOANS. I’ve got to hand it to this show and its completely tenuous, schizophrenic grasp on its own sex rules: a chaste, Disney-fied parade giving way to sanctioned fantasy suite sex test-drives — but only on a designated day and hour — with moralizing and slut-shaming and virgins and morning Bible study sessions in between. This unruly mess is, to me, one of the most fascinating aspects of this entire outer space production.

The highlight of this storyline was obviously The Balcony Scene. Maybe Kaitlyn was talking to someone behind the camera but it wasn’t totally clear. I like to imagine production coaching her. We want to see your shame, Kaitlyn. Argue with yourself — try to imagine it’s Kaitlyn vs. Kaitlyn. Show us regret — using your bathrobe as a prop. It actually seemed like Kaitlyn was just talking to herself – like in a stream of unprompted exposition. You know, to help the audience follow the complex narrative. It reminded me of the way my daughter putters around her room at night and you can hear her little voice wafting down the hall playing every role as she bosses her stuffed animals around.

Before we fully abandon the topic of smarmy dbags: Ian is a revelation.

I enjoyed the part where he and Kaitlyn were fighting about a sense of humor, i.e. he accused her of having one and then they engaged in a discourse about whether a sense of humor is a good thing or a bad thing – like on an absolute level. Truly chilling was him saying he wished he’d found the broken-hearted version of Kaitlyn, not the actual alive, confident, human lady who tells jokes and has opinions and doesn’t need to be spatula-ed off the floor. Toxic, despite Princeton and Deerfield, I’m afraid.

Nick wouldn’t be Nick if he didn’t come upstairs to comfort Kaitlyn after Ian’s rant. To each her own, I guess, because she seemed genuinely assuaged by Nick’s reassurance that her that her shallowness is actually totally loveable and he will gladly fuck her despite it. Nick appreciates her surface-ness; in fact he wouldn’t have it any other way because that would be “exhausting.”

The Group Date

Since they are in Dublin (“the perfect place to fall in love”) it’s natural that a fun and frolicsome activity should be an Irish wake where they pretend Kaitlyn is dead. NO. Even this drecksome show can do better than this! I watched The Wire and I get that an Irish wake can be a raucous, spirited event. But NO. A team of producers should not put Kaitlyn in a casket and have spray-tanned men in hoodies who just made her acquaintance do eulogies as a bonding activity. And, regarding Ben Z: no! I am so sorry he lost his mother but I am furious at him for giving Kaitlyn a sincere, emotional, private eulogy AS IF SHE WAS DEAD AND AS IF SHE WAS ALSO MAYBE A LITTLE BIT HIS MOM. I cannot anymore with Ben Z.

A quick word about Chris Cupcake. Doesn’t it always seem like he’s 45 degrees askew of any given assignment? Like the cousin who is perpetually “off?” I’m also somewhat concerned because I see in the previews that he cries next episode and I cannot for the life of me figure out how that could come to pass since he is and has always been deeply peripheral.

Shawn happened to have some pictures of his family in his pocket to show Kaitlyn – no phones allowed so they were hard copies like a Grandma might have in her wallet. Also, is Shawn OK? All episode long he was threatening to put his Walls back up. Constant threats about Shutting Down, Closing Up. But now it appears that the Walls going up might actually be permanent! He might leave the show! Kaitlyn is driving him over the edge – she told him he was “the one” and yet… I really feel for him and hope this producer/confidante can get him to stay.

Next week: Everyone cries. It looks like literally the whole cast will be in tears save for Chris Harrison. I’m excited! I don’t mean to be hard-hearted, but you make your bed (full of STDs), you sleep in it – and that goes for all these cats and their shoddy judgement. See what I mean about superiority? Heyo! Off to eat some chilled sour bears.

G’night, and sleep tight lovers – xMH

He’s Exactly Who I Want to Be With — In This Moment

Someday, if I ever (am lucky enough to) write a Bachelor Book of Advice for the show’s contestants, one of my maxims will be He who complains about the villain IS the villain. It’s so obvious, right? It’s always the whistle-blowing, moral-compassing, whining, tattling jackhole shrieking about Right Reasons and Wrong Reasons who spirals into unstable maniac territory and needs to be ejected. Tonight Josh played this role brilliantly, and, to a lesser degree, so did “Tanner” a cat whose name and face I had never seen before this episode.

There’s not much to say about Josh except that even before tonight he was on tenuous ground for the way he pronounced tampon as “tampin” and seemed not to know what one is. His trajectory tonight covered a delightful and dizzying amount of ground: mad –> self-righteous –> madder –> half-mohawk –> stew in own juices in an airtight mason jar –> anxiety attack/Xanax –> weep.

Honestly, in comparison, Nick seems totally benign. Sure he’s silly. He cried over sex and chose to compete on a reality show to find a spouse twice in one year. But other than that, what’s so bad about him? He’s a pretty good match for Kaitlyn as far as I can tell. He doesn’t have his WALLS UP ® and he loves talking about the way love feels. Also, dude has some Bachelor smarts; look at the way he crushed the mariachi competition whilst incorporating a reference to his boner.

Meanwhile, I’m concerned that the show is having budget problems. I’m also concerned, on a practical level, about the itinerary. LA to NYC to San Antonio… where are they on their way to? I hope this isn’t going to be like Chris Soules’ season where they stayed in the U.S.A. the whole time and interacted with a diverse array of Americans. I don’t wanna see that!

Ben H. has a cute face. It was totally natural and organic the way Kaitlyn threatened him into sharing facts about himself. With Shawn, though, Kaitlyn didn’t have to coerce. Shawn opened up about his car accident which earned him an A+, the reward for which was more kissing and a canoe and fireworks. Is a date that contains back-to-back boat rides really a varied, properly-planned and balanced date, tho? That’s a philosophical question for us — and producers — to chew on.

A few other things to chew on:

• Is “death-defying” a quality women seek in a man? Shawn told Kaitlyn he survived a car crash that no one else on earth could have survived. Ian also described himself as death-defying (I think he even referred to himself as a “two-time death-defier”). Maybe if I was meeting more single men in a social setting I would be aware that this is a thing?

• Chris Harrison’s role this season has been reduced to rubble. How about the way he just appeared out of nowhere on that baseball field to deliver his Final Rose line! Watched it thrice.

• Kaitlyn loves some fringe, right? Also on the topic of clothing, another thing that would be in my Bachelor advice book: No Tank Tops Allowed (males).

Listen, I loved loved loved the first chapter of Ian’s meltdown tirade. It’s been bubbling up for weeks, and looks like there’s even more to come. Honestly, between the next installment of that fracas and Kaitlyn’s (self?) slut-shaming, next week is going to be an embarrassment of riches. I plan to have a ton of Twizzlers at the ready because it’s going to be stressful. Beautifully so, of course. See you then, ladies & men. xMH

I Don’t Even Like the Sound of My Voice When I Talk

It’s truly incredible what this show will do to fill two hours.

Will Kaitlyn let Nick join the show to compete for her love? It’s so hard, because part of Kaitlyn thinks yes. Part of her thinks no. The boys sit on the couch in a straight line and wonder what the answer will be, yes or no. If Nick joins the cast, our boys will be mad, for didn’t Kaitlyn already declare that her husband is “in the room?” If Nick doesn’t join the cast, the boys will still be mad – for JJ is in the room. Remember JJ? It’s all so unfair! But back to Nick. He may be coming on the show. He may not be. To sum up: HE MIGHT.

Omgggggggd. A person needs a ton of Brie to get through this! I’ve also really been into these wasabi almonds leftover from my weekend roadtrip. They’re so snappy and pair nicely with all cheeses and all moods.

Listen, for all the stalling (and lack of rose ceremony!) this episode, it feels like we’re finally cookin’ re: some of the requisite Bachelor tropes. In Nick we get our interloper/disruptor rising back from the Bachelor underworld to try, for a second time, to find a spouse on national television. Also, helicopters, dinner-non-dinner in a closed arts facility... and all of this happening in the “perfect place to fall in love,” i.e. every location in the world.

Group Date – Doug E Fresh

My problem with these silly activities isn’t the rogue scrotums or the discomfort of watching people squirm under stage lights – it’s that we don’t get to know these cats at all. I’ll be happy when the gang heads overseas, where hopefully the name of the game will be yachting, picnics, gondolas, hiking, and exploring the streets of small towns – pausing to interact with locals and put exotic foods into each others’ mouths.

Oh is that Nick V and Ashley in the audience? It’s really nice how the franchise always makes sure to bring back the cream of the crop. Remember how Nick wept because he felt it unfair that Andi had “made love with him” yet didn’t want to marry him? GUYS: Nick isn’t someone to feel threatened by, everyone needs to just relax about him. I haven’t read Reality Steve yet, but I’ll bet that Nick doesn’t win. He can’t. The Bachelor appreciates rule-breaking, but only to a point – only in a very controlled, test tube kind of way. Nick cannot win the wife because he didn’t follow the show’s structure, and if the show wants to tell us anything about the show, it’s that the show works.

1-on-1 with Jared

Because Jared and Kaitlyn are enthusiastic patrons of the arts, their date involved walking around The Met after hours. These dates set in cavernous, deserted spaces at night always remind me of Mannequin, one of the best movies ever. Odd that there wasn’t an activity before dinner, tho; usually there is some trust-based challenge they have to do before they can not-eat? And usually there’s a band that plays a concert for just them, so they can be surprised and slow dance. None of this for J and K, though! Guys, sorry, but I’m still against Jared. Kaitlyn can coo about how handsome he is all she wants but I get a bit of a serial killer vibe.

Who cares what I think, though – Kaitlyn sure doesn’t. By the end of dinner, she was excited aboot this relationship, and the helicopter ride only solidified that. WHY ARE HELICOPTER RIDES SO POWERFUL? That twinkling NYC city scape was really pretty.

Group Date – Aladdin

All night I’m all Ben H, hmm, how do I know that guy? Duh.

Relieved to have this settled.

Really looking forward to next week! I’m innarested indeed to see what causes Princeton’s demise – I can already feel this people-pleaser bubbling over with righteous outrage, and I’m eager to see his journey unfold. Also looking forward to Nick’s tiny rolling suitcase releasing clothes that will unfold. That doesn’t even make sense! Of course, it goes without saying that I’ll be very ready to take in a proper rose ceremony – cut-out gowns, flop sweat, Chris Harrison and all. You guys don’t think I’m here for the Wrong Reasons, do you?

Until next week, xMH

Man Meat Running Into Each Other

ABC should do a focus group and they should focus on me. What I’d tell them is that the stuff that The Bachelorette wants me to pay attention to is never the stuff I’m most into. I’m not innarested in JJ and Clint and their gay palace intrigue – as my friend Liz so aptly put it. And I’m not innarested in Tony, either – though I did enjoy his monologue about having the “heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy” and the strength it took to “step away from the bonsai trees” to come on this show.

Here are the kinds of things that do interest me:

• the way the camera kept panning over to Jonathan (black person) when Kupah (other black person) got sent home. DO BETTER, ABC.

• Kaitlyn’s kimono – super cute, and I’d love one just like that to serve as my regular House Gown

• Does Shawn try to be Ryan Gosling or does he just naturally occur this way? Speaking of resemblances, does anyone else confuse Ben H and Chris? It wasn’t til tonight that I learned they’re two separate brown-haired people.

Group Date – Sumo Wrestling

This is the 2nd week in a row we’ve seen the boys fight each other in a physical competition – I used this opportunity to place orders on Amazon. “Could we not just take a boat ride?” Tony whined after being tossed around the sumo ring like dandelion fuzz – and I have to say, I’m totally with him. It’s better when the boys are just lounging around on a yacht, for example, drinking clear alcohols and trying to get the bachelorette alone so they can tell her about their hard lives (divorced parents, grew up poor, flat feet, etc). My God, do you guys remember Diabetes? In this very link that I just pulled off the internet at random you’ll note that when asked what he’d bring to a desert island, first on his list is “insulin.” As it should be!

While I wasn’t a fan of the wrestling, I liked the appalled expressions on the faces of the ladies gathered to watch the exhibition. I also enjoyed Mr. Kentucky for letting one nut hang out of the sumo diaper all day. And then there was JJ’s pre-fight trash talk: I‘m gonna leave him wishing he had another diaper because he’s gonna change it. I don’t even know what that means, but it’s great, great stuff.

This is the only man I want to see in a diaper.

1-on-1 with Ben Z – aka Babe Soda

Because relationships require trust and communication, Kaitlyn and Ben’s date took place in an escape room where there were birds, which, coincidentally, are Kaitlyn’s biggest fear. Personally, I’d have been much more concerned about the snakes and the dead person slowly rising out of the bed — as well as the GAS CHAMBER — but to each her own. What happened to those sunny day trust challenges, like rappelling off bridges and jumping out of helicopters while holding hands?  The main takeaway from this date is that Ben is 1) huge, and 2) hasn’t cried in 11 years. Whaaat? He should watch E.T. Then again, Kaitlyn will make him cry soon enough.

Guys, there is friction in the hoose but NBD. Kaitlyn remains hopeful, for she can just feel it: HER HUSBAND IS IN THE ROOM.

Until next week,

xMH

Sorry I’m Not Sorry

We’re knee deep in the verdant splendor of spring-almost-summer, my house has brie and olives in it, and my favorite spectacle — that beautiful, alarming slice of human art I so love to dissect — is back! Farmer Chris & Whitney have cycled out of the spotlight for cornier climes and it’s time for our new journey to begin. The House of Despair has been Lysoled top to bottom, the jacuzzi jets have been cranked up, the clear alcohols are flowing, and chests have been shaved.

Anyway it’s been so nice to get underway again – like being reunited with a familiar, comforting, slightly toxic friend.

One way The Bachelor likes to compensate for its relentless season-to-season sameness is to add “twists” here and there, and this year’s innovation was to have the guys choose which girl would get the chance to choose them. Ever the feminist enterprise. In any case, I’m so pleased it’s Kaitlyn. Obviously Kaitlyn > Britt, but just in general: has there ever been a bach’ette more normal than Kaitlyn, a tiny cat with great eyes who has an actual sense of humor?  Amy Schumer wishes they’d be friends and I get it because I wish I’d be friends with the both of them.

Kaitlyn is great because she not only has a personality and brain, but she clearly loves a good jumpsuit and is, like 99% of Canadians, amazingly good-natured and all aboot hanging oot and having a good time. I thought it was telling that upon finding out she was the bachelorette, she asked if Britt was OK (She wasn’t.) I like her straight-talking ways and am excited to root for this love-seeking firecracker.

We really don’t need to waste time talking about Kupah who managed to simultaneously sound both 1) insecure and 2) inarticulate while 3) accusing Kaitlyn of being racist and 4) wasting his time, which I thought was real ballsy on week #1 or, like, ever. By the way, this is a classic that shows up every year, the whole I-gave-up-a-lot-to-be-here bit. All the contestants give up a lot — three months of their lives away from their families and work — which is completely crazy. But don’t make a dumb decision and then add insult to injury by complaining about it. Just enjoy the free produce!

We saw a lot of another common Bachelor trope tonight which is the one where contestants get really frantic about spilling all their deep secrets very quickly and inorganically, so that the bachelor/bachelorette can factor that into all their decisions. I just need you to know I have a kid. I just need you to know my dad left us. I just need you to know I have diabetes. For gods sake.

The group date

This boxing date made me furious, I cannot watch people risk their safety for the “chance to win love.” I am completely against that drowned rat Jared for getting hurt and then having his paramedic drop him off for a quick make out session with Kaitlyn on Hollywood Boulevard. Jared’s facial hair pattern scares me, his bad judgement scares me, and I am thoroughly against him, sorry. Anyway, watching this segment was very anxiety-provoking for me. That slow-mo sound effect they employed in the boxing ring took me right back to the ’80s and that awful shivery feeling I used to get watching the fight scenes in the Rocky movies.

Meanwhile, JJ clearly has not watched this show before or else he’d know he can’t be both The Villain and The Dad. Duh. Two separate roles.

Anyway, it’s really nice to be back, you guys. There is going to be a lotta making out (Kaitlyn, like Kevin Kline, loves a good French kiss) and even some sex followed by self-slut-shaming (it appears), and I can only hope all this happens soon, only so we can talk about it soon.  I’m happy to know Britt is no longer crying in the hotel (no thanks to that Mom of hers right?) but has instead found love with Brady — proof that this show is all-powerful and really does find a way to create love, even in its vapor mist wake.

Night night, and see you next week. xMH