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Jun 9 / admin

I DON’T EVEN LIKE THE SOUND OF MY VOICE WHEN I TALK

This entry is part 3 of 9 in the series The Bach'ette 2015

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It’s truly incredible what this show will do to fill two hours.

Will Kaitlyn let Nick join the show and compete for her love? It’s so hard, because part of Kaitlyn thinks yes. Part of her thinks no. The boys sit on the couch in a straight line and wonder what the answer will be, yes or no. If Nick joins the cast, our boys will be mad, for didn’t K already declare that her husband is “in the room?” If Nick doesn’t join the cast, the boys will still be mad – for JJ is in the room. Remember JJ? It’s all so unfair! But back to Nick. He may be coming on the show. He may not be. To sum up: HE MIGHT.

Omgggggggwd. A person needs a ton of Brie to get through this! I’ve also really been into these wasabi almonds leftover from my weekend roadtrip. They’re so snappy and pair nicely with all cheeses and all moods.

Listen, for all the stalling (and lack of rose ceremony!) this episode, it feels like we’re finally cookin’ re: some of the requisite Bachelor items. In Nick we get our interloper/disruptor rising back from the Bachelor underworld to try, for a second time, to find a spouse on national television. Also, helicopters, dinner-non-dinner in a closed arts facility….. and all of this happening in the “perfect place to fall in love,” i.e. every location in the world.

Group Date – Doug E Fresh

Thus far, this season seems to be all about publicly humiliating the boys, and on this occasion, let’s just say I really believe the ones who claimed they’d never heard rap before. My problem with these silly activities isn’t the rogue scrotums or the discomfort of watching people squirm under stage lights – it’s that we don’t get to know these cats at all. I’ll be happy when the gang heads overseas, where hopefully the name of the game will be yachting, picnics, gondolas, hiking, and exploring the streets of small towns – pausing to interact with locals and put exotic foods into each others’ mouths.

not Matt Damon

not Matt Damon

Oh is that Nick V and Ashley in the audience? It’s really nice to see that the franchise always makes sure to bring back the cream of the crop. It’s like The Reunion Tour that nobody asked for. Remember Ashley’s wonderful blog devoted to her quest to be Kim Kardashian? And remember how Nick cried in front of all the citizens of America because he felt it unfair that Andi had “made love with him” yet didn’t want to marry him? GUYS: Nick isn’t someone to feel threatened by. He’s a gross smirkster who will be hoisted on his own petard and everyone needs to just relax about him. I have not read Reality Steve yet, but I’ll bet that Nick doesn’t win. He can’t. The Bachelor appreciates rule-breaking, but only to a point – only in a very controlled, test tube kind of way. Nick cannot win the wife because he didn’t follow the show’s structure, and if the show wants to tell us anything about the show, it’s that the show works.

1 on 1 with Jared

Because Jared and Kaitlyn are enthusiastic patrons of the arts, their date involved walking around The Met after hours. These dates set in cavernous, deserted spaces at night always remind me of Mannequin, one of the best movies ever. Odd that there wasn’t an activity before dinner. Usually there is some trust-based thing they have to do before they can not eat. And usually there’s a band that plays a concert for just them, so they can be surprised and slow dance. None of this for J and K, though! Guys, sorry, but I’m still against Jared. Haven’t gotten over him getting himself hurt at the boxing date and then having the paramedic take him out for a quick kiss. Also, Kaitlyn can coo about how handsome he is all she wants — obviously he looks like a serial killer.

No.

No.

Who cares what I think, though – Kaitlyn doesn’t. By the end of dinner, she was excited aboot this relationship, and the helicopter ride just solidified that. WHY ARE HELICOPTER RIDES SO POWERFUL? That twinkling NYC cityscape was really pretty.

Group Date – Aladdin

All night I’m all Ben H, hmm, how do I know that guy? Duh, he’s Peter Brady! (And, by the transitive property, Seth McFarlane.) I’m so relieved to have this settled.

Ben H.

Ben H.

Peter-Brady2-187x300

 

What a hoax, though. I’d hoped the auditions would lead to Kaitlyn and Chris (who I learned last week is not Ben) actually doing something on stage during the performance — a song or a verse or even one line. But it was the quickest walk on! I’d hardly call that putting yourself oot there, Kaitlyn. Meanwhile, I learned tonight that Star Lift is awesome. If I was a theater director I’d find a way to incorporate them into every scene, even Chekhov.

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Really looking forward to next week! I’m innarested indeed to see what causes Princeton’s demise – I can already feel this people-pleaser bubbling over with righteous outrage, and I’m eager to see his journey unfold. Also looking forward to Nick’s tiny rolling suitcase releasing clothes that will unfold. That doesn’t even make sense! Of course it goes without say that I’ll be very ready to take in a proper rose ceremony – cut-outs gown, flop sweat, Chris Harrison and all. You guys don’t think I’m here for the Wrong Reasons, do you?

Until next week, xMH