I’M IN LOVE WITH BEN FROM WARSAW
The gloomy cloud of rancid spray tan mist that hung over the group in the Bahamas has followed the gang to Indiana – despite the All-American delights being offered up by little ole Warsaw: pontoon boats, cafes without wi-fi, throwing leaves- which I often do with my friends when we’re feeling playful in autumn.
Seeing Ben in his natural environment afflicted the already shaky ladies with a heart-yearning so deep it made them self-destruct — no one moreso than Becca. The wizened veteran! But JoJo, too, and her loop about Walls and how she doesn’t want them to go up but they are going up anyway, and only certain things can make them come down, but will those things happen? And Caila — once a sex panther, super confident in her luscious hair and her ability to slay with nonsense talk — has also started to unravel. The only one without cracks in the facade is Lauren B., who is no longer even Lauren B. anymore but the Last Lauren Standing and the obvious frontrunner. Here’s the thing about Lauren: she’s not wandering off into crazytown because she’s too distracted by actually and sincerely falling in love with Ben.
Nick and I were talking the other night about how the most compelling performances aren’t when the actor shows you an emotion, but when s/he discovers the emotion right in front of you, in that very moment. Applies to any drama. And I daresay when Lauren’s big eyes filled with tears and she looked into the camera and declared her love for Ben, that was legit. I am all for Lauren. I’m into her toothy grin and her regularness. She was actually in it at that youth center. She is in love with Ben.
I am REALLY excited to meet the original #1 love of Lauren’s life, her dad. NEXT WEEK. What sweet, sweet joy.
1-on-1 w JoJo
JoJo exhausts me. I can’t even with her Walls mania and all the conditions she needs met in order to simply make out with a cute boy on TV. She basically wants Ben to tell her he’s chosen her, but since this is a dating competition show on the American Broadcast Company and production is unlikely to shut down early, we’re just going to have to endure the loop until the end of her journey – which looks like it could be soon, based on some family drama that’s going to go down next week wheeeeee!
Meanwhile, only one MacArthur genius of the group (I forget who it was) realizes that the date card’s reference to “the windy city” is Chicago. And once JoJo and Ben get there, it’s a Bachelor classic: an empty Wrigley field with dinner in centerfield. Dinner in centerfield! Exactly! JoJo’s lack of a grasp of the most basic tenets of baseball are astounding. So is her running technique. Nick has an acronym for my running style – he calls it WHGN (Working Hard, Going Nowhere) so I do understand I’m in a glass house but JoJo really takes the cake. To be completely honest, because of JoJo’s low, no-nonsense voice I assumed that she was a tough gal and therefore sporty. But this is what I love about this show — it’s knocking down barriers and showing me that you can’t always judge a book by its cover.
3-on-1 with Caila, Amanda and Becca
This date was a montage of very pleasant Warsaw-y activities — row a boat, fly a kite, sit on a bale of hay — made very unpleasant by the deep river of anxiety coursing through its participants. What a shitshow. I loved it!
As soon as Becca started complaining to Ben about how hard the journey’s been I was all forget about it, she’s toast. I liked when she whisper-threatened “don’t blindside me.” So intense! I know she fancies herself a bachelor VIP — like the person doing a PG year at high school who everyone kind of looks up to — but there isn’t really a way for him not to blindside her based on the way the game works. Unless she meant that she’d prefer he not dismiss her via rose ceremony at all – that it just be a quiet chat on a tractor, say, or at the drive-in movie theater. There are only so many hours in a week, though. Poor Becca. There’s always Chris Soules? ugh, she hates Chris Soules.
“Ladies, I’m sorry, but Amanda and I have a date to continue.” That was wicked awkward.
I’m not even going to comment on the McDonalds bit other than to say that personally I’m thrilled that they serve breakfast all day now – but I will say that I’d so love to take about 6 inches off Amanda’s hair.
1-on-1 with Emily
This was tragic all around. Tragic for eager, excited, seeing-the-world Emily. Tragic for us at home to have to watch. But most of all, tragic for Ben’s parents. Imagine! I was furious with Ben for not taking his mom out of her misery. She cried! Couldn’t he just wink at her off camera, a little message to tell her oh I’m not in love with this person, don’t even worry about it – she’s going home in about 5 minutes.
Here’s what, though: how sweet was it when Emily broke down in front of the women and they all cried with her? Sure, some of that was relief- and exhaustion. And probably hunger. But still – the image of them all weeping over Emily’s weeping and clinging to one another other in their loungewear was rather sweet.
- Is Ben an only child?
- What do we think makes Warsaw the orthopedic capital? I’m off to Google-ville – will let you know what I discover.
Until next week — hometowns, the most wonderful TV night of the year! Wish I was being facetious.