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Jan 26 / admin

LIKE, ROSES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME NOW

This entry is part 2 of 5 in the series The Bachelor 2016

photo 3(15)It is absolutely exhilarating, that moment each season when the gals first burst out of L.A. on a jet plane and hit the actual, oxygenated world, en masse. Imagine what it’s like to be a regular human person vacationing in Vegas, and you’re doing a little shopping or a catching a ventriloquist show – then lo and behold you encounter this gaggle of screaming, infinity-scarved women and all the accoutrements that come with. Can you even imagine?

And what a sweet gift to get to observe their clothing choices during these segments! Becca seems to have stolen my outfit from grades 10 & 11 (daisy dukes, white top, flannel shirt wrapped around the waist in case I suddenly need to go to an Allman Brothers concert). Caila knows Vegas = flash, hence her sequined short-sleeved cardigan WHAT. Suddenly, beautifully, we’re knee-deep in Fun Blazers and cropped denim jackets – and ALL the girls know that ripped jeans mean “relaxed times.” Vegas, baby!

I’m happy.

In case anyone’s wondering why Las Vegas? which no one is, Ben’s there to spell it out. Las Vegas is “a place where people do find love,” he explains, a place “where the opportunities (to catch pubic lice) are endless.”

ARE YOU FUCKING SAYING WE ARE GOING TO VEGAS?

ARE YOU FUCKING SAYING WE ARE GOING TO VEGAS?

1-on-1 with JoJo

JoJo needs this date so badly and thank God she gets it. She is so ready to open up to Ben (she took her walls down in advance), and she’s got a shirt that’s actually half of a medical gown fastened with a safety pin.

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“JoJo’s taking a helicopter. I knew it.” It is so unfair.

By the way, what has happened to this show that the date activity is now the helicopter ride? Back in the good old days the helicopter was simply a means to get you to the activity – which might be rappelling off buildings or dog-sledding with Alaskan Malamutes. It’s so abrupt the way they do it now: they go up into the sky, murmur about how beautiful it is and how they can’t believe they’re doing this on account of their crippling fear of heights, then come down and have dinner non-dinner. I miss those daytime adventures.

But no matter, dinnertime brought with it JoJo’s great black jumpsuit (loved it) and the painful and brave sharing of her dark past (had a boyfriend but they broke up). AND fireworks. OMG it is seriously so fucking unfair that she gets fireworks.

Yeah, but all you gurls got this:

Straight from Ben, too.

Straight from Ben, too.

The Group Date

This segment was such an unholy spectacle and I loved every minute of it. The setting alone — under the wing of Terry Fator who does “impressions of singers through puppets without moving your lips” —  is basically my Vegas (and life) fear.

If you're really wife material you'll kiss Little Ben, too. (That's what he said!)

If you’re really wife material you’ll kiss Little Ben, too. (That’s what he said.)

The facial expression of two people watching a ventriloquist.

The facial expression of two people watching a ventriloquist.

I was impressed by the twins’ Riverdance, by Jubilee’s cello solo, by Lauren B’s juggling and Caila’s hula dance. Legit skills!

Poor Olivia. She’s like a child — all bluster and bravado until she gets ahead of herself and it all crumbles into a pile of hot-faced shame. I’m not too worried about her, though – check out her news anchor demo reel. She really has the cadence down! She’s very good at doing the news! Meanwhile, may I be frank about Olivia? I’m so much less concerned with her villainy than I am with her alleged halitosis. Ever since someone mentioned it a few episodes ago I’m unable to let it go. I feel like I can see it.

1-on-1 with Becca

It was fun to see this crazy cat again, and by by crazy cat, I mean low pulse and really pretty cat. I’m mesmerized by her beachy waves and golden skin and barely-moving face. And I’d forgotten about that voice. Like it’s coming from deep within a vacuum cleaner bag! The way she threw her head back and laughed heartily when Ben was talking about Chris Soules and how he almost asked her to marry him was terrific. Ha ha ha that silly farming man.

Personally I’d like to hear her talk more about being a 26-year-old-virgin — I find it innaresting. Speaking of, PLEASE let someone call me a Sex Panther before I die. Anyone.

Twin date (bonus round)

The twins have perhaps been the most invisible contestant of the whole season (aside from poor Rachel) but then all of a sudden here we are in Vegas with a plot twist tossed in – and now the twins’ trajectory is the most drama we’ve seen all season. Seriously, you’re going to wake these girls up from a nap and tell them you’re taking them back to the homestead to check in with their mom and decide which one of them should be sacrificed? That is cold.

Are these salon blowouts or is this group just very good at doing hair? These are the kinds of questions a sex panther like me mulls over late at night.

Until next time,

MH