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Jan 19 / admin


This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series The Bachelor 2016


There’s nothing so glorious and exciting as the return of Bachelor season. So many sweet, sweet Monday night pleasures in the form of couch lounging, savory snacks, analyzing fashions and generally obliterating my mind in a foggy cloud of spray tan mist. Season 20 is underway, and like each and every identical season that preceded it, we have a cornucopia of fine ingredients – chief among them a new batch of contestants who apparently have never once watched the show before, or seen a helicopter.

Welcome back into my home, you terrible, beautiful beast!

What is there to say about Ben Higgins other than that he’s a complete doll. It’s not just that he’s got the face of Peter Brady and the chest-hair of a real human man; three episodes into this godforsaken enterprise it’s clear he’s kind, sensitive, and emotionally attuned. Like every other bachelor, he wants to find a love like his parents’ love, which, fine. But it seems like Ben Higgins might actually be looking for love – and if so, I want him to find it. I’m rooting for him.

photo 3(12)Tonight was all about Jubilee, was it not? She’s gorgeous, and lord knows I love a crisp white outfit for any occasion, but my impression of her completely did a 180 over the course of the evening. I’d thought her whole deal was that she’s a tough Army broad — rock-like in body and mind. But don’t judge a book by its cover! Her trajectory over the episode was utterly fascinating: she spiraled into such a deeply dark place about the possibility of not getting chosen for the 1-on-1, then she did get selected and went from a scary-euphoric high to an almost catatonic state, then was practically hostile to Ben for the first part of the date, and then eventually “evened out” and coasted on a steady plane of weepiness and complete incoherence. I’m not a therapist, but I think this may be some textbook mania, self-defense, and self-sabotage. Oh and when she mentioned that her biggest fear is that she’s unlovableā„¢ I was all “you’re stealing Ben’s insecurity!” I am very concerned about Jubilee indeed, but! Ben likes it! She’s a wounded bird and he’s into it.

All of that said, Amber needs to go. You don’t gang up on a fellow lady, and you don’t tattle;, no one likes a Bachelor-style whistle-blower. Plus she was so needy and gross when it came to kissing Ben. I’m out on Amber — and the franchise should be, too. Three strikes and you’re out, jerkhole.

Listen, I could analyze the ladies’ downtime loungewear for hours. It fascinates me to no end to check out what they wear in The House during their single-sex time. These outfits are actually the gateway to a whole slew of questions I have about the show’s production overall. For example: why the workout gear? Are they actually working out on the premises, or is it simply one of many wardrobe options to communicate “I’m multi-faceted, with interests”? Is there a gym? Surely they aren’t allowed to leave the house to go on a run? They must feel cooped up – God, I would be so claustrophobic. Do the women feel the need to be camera-ready at all times? Is there a private place to go when they want, like a safe-house? Do they generally know when a date card is coming and do they casually dress up for its arrival and decide in advance which gal is going to read the card aloud? So. Many. Questions.

I felt for Lace. I never bought her as the villain. Best for her to go, but I will miss that voice of hers, the lazy river voice that always reminds me of the A-holes from SNL and you look like a rabbit.

Obviously we have some kind of hot tub sponsor this season.

BTW I’m working on a collage entitled “Olivia’s Visage.” Stay tuned.

Next week: a(nother) panic attack!

Until then,