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Jul 28 / admin

I’M THE WORLD’S BIGGEST JOKE

This entry is part 9 of 9 in the series The Bach'ette 2015

I don’t know, was it “the most dramatic finale ever in Bachelorette history,” or two interminable hours of vapor mist – with a soupçon of boating and a whole lot of changing outfits, quiet weeping, sitting on different surfaces and talking about “connections” (intensity level options: strong, stronger or strongest), and marveling about the sheer craziness of having actually arrived at this moment in time? TOMORROW AAAAAAHHHH!

Many minutes were spent standing at balconies being pensive.

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oceanic pensive

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glass wall pensive

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pensive with a beverage

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scary-pensive

Tonight’s ep was the best night ever for me, though, because I had my brother by my side giggling steadily throughout and we had Fudgesicles.

It’s so strange to think it was just few seasons ago that bachelor Sean Lowe proposed to Catherine in a stunning setting in Thailand before they rode off on elephants together, like lovers do – and now we’ve plummeted to a sub low-budget depth where we’ve eliminated hometowns altogether and now resort to putting up the families in sterile suites at a conference center in Utah. And the finale — the pinnacle of this whole shebang that Chris Harrison keeps promising will be more grand and spectacular than anything ever witnessed by humans on earth — takes place back at the good old bachelor mansion, that dreadful, vodka-soaked STD headquarters in Agoura Hills, CA. It’s a return to the Motherland- if that Motherland was to smell of Victoria’s Secret body spray and stale maraschino cherries, which I guarantee it does. This show just does not care. Plus tonight begs the philosophical question: is it truly a “journey” if you end up back where you started? (Though I noticed they did install some hardwood flooring by the pool since we last were there. Befitting of a bended knee. Wonderful stuff.)

I feel bad for Nick. Sure he’s a shillypantsh with a penchant for shkinny troushersh, and he’s obviously a donkey for going on a reality show (twice!) to find a spouse – but a part of me forgives his insatiable need for attention since it obviously stems from having grown up with so many goddamn siblings.

The bottom line is that Kaitlyn was cold as ice. To let Nick utter that whole weepy intro to his proposal was low. Is that “good TV?”  Furthermore, unless the editing was just very misleading, it seems like Kaitlyn’s relationship with Nick really was strong – much stronger than her relationship with Shawn. Kaitlyn herself seemed to be saying so, in many ways, up until the end. Of course I expected Shawn to win because of the leaked Snapchat (and check out Nick’s pre-finale Instagram post), but it was still disconcerting to see it happen and play out the way it did – especially in light of how deeply Nick’s family fears for his mental and emotional health.

I hope Kaitlyn has a nice life with Shawn, who is a sociopath.

Miscellany

  • Kaitlyn’s mom is a little firecracker, eh? 1) There was a funny moment when she was talking about having watched Andi’s season and I was all ew, what kind of parent watches this drek? As if a responsible adult would ever watch this children’s show – and then admit it to the world! And then I realized that I am a parent who watches this beautiful garbage and spend a lot of time blogging about it on the world wide web so whoopsie. 2) I loved when K’s mom said she had opinions about Nick already from last season and Kaitlyn and her sister Haley were all “ughhh mom, no! You can’t! This is a whole ‘nother season!”
  • I understand this is a theatrical production. I get we need “dramatic tension.” But I simply don’t understand being one day away from Proposal Time and still being unsure about which man you love more. Call me old fashioned but I don’t think you can be in love with several people at the same time – and even if you do have strong feelings for more than one person, fine; surely you can discern what and who your heart prefers? In sum, you cannot go to sleep at night NOT KNOWING WHO YOU WILL BECOME ENGAGED TO THE NEXT DAY.
  • Please don’t ever let me talk to my parents about my sexual regrets.
  • Shawn’s jar of shit. Awesome.
  • The obvious winner of this unholy finale episode: Kaitlyn’s Dad.

    Where am I?

    Where am I?

Really grateful for those of you who read and journeyed along with me during Kaitlyn’s fairytale. Thank you! I’m innarested to learn who our next Prince Charming will be – the spurned Nick who’s gonna get back on that horse and redeem himself from being “the world’s biggest joke,” or Ben H, who just can’t wait to get his hands on 25 eligible ladies and talk so hard all night long. Time will tell – but no matter who it is that cycles their poor souls into to the Bach machine, I’ll be there to devour it all. And of course, to write aboot it.

Sleep tight, luvvers. xMH