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Jul 14 / admin

HE’S SERIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO FEELINGS

This entry is part 8 of 9 in the series The Bach'ette 2015

nickshawn

Who’s driving this horse and WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY SHOW? This whole season it’s as if the glorious, technicolor, outer space landscape I so love to swaddle myself in each week has been stripped down and muted and shorn of its main distinguishing features. Everything feels like it’s happening behind a scrim of gloomy failure. As a connoisseur of this show (not a brag – I promise you) I can say that this season is barely recognizable. For example, we’ve barely even seen Chris Harrison! For 87 years this show’s specialty has been Justifying Chris Harrison’s Presence – this season they’ve just given up. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

When they announced a few weeks ago that they’d be cutting the number of hometown dates in half it was a loss. But that they ended up eliminating the hometown dates altogether is a tragedy. The Hometowns episode is obviously the pièce de résistance of any season. Hometowns are the final stretch reward – a fascinating anthropological field trip where we viewers get to tour America and traipse into peoples homes to glimpse these characters’ habitats of origin. Nothing fascinates me more than scrutinizing the home decor and what’s for dinner and what room two people at a time choose to tuck away to when it’s “private chat” time. But more than this, though, Hometowns give us a chance to pop out of the hermetically sealed Bachelor bubble for a minute – a chance to see our plastic figurines navigate the actual, oxygenated world. The family members are always innaresting to me because they’re not (exactly) scripted and we get to watch them endure or embrace this truly unholy circumstance.

I gather that flying the families to Utah in place of real hometowns had something to do with preventing spoilers. Fine. But why bother! The point of going to the homesteads is color and life and flavor. As it was, it felt like a sterile conference center – and in the case of Nick’s family in particular, a weepy and terribly TRAGIC conference.

I’m already out on Nick in every way, but this time spent with his family was just alarming. It took me back to last year’s hometown when his family was similarly anxious about him getting his heart broken. It was all way too intense — an outsized reaction to a person with bad judgement competing for a spouse on a reality show — and made me wonder a) what happened to Nick before all this Bachelorette business, and b) Is Nick made of glass? Seeing the way his mom cried — that was real mom heartache — makes me concerned that perhaps Nick is actually unstable in a profound way. In addition to being an arrogant donkey with a speech impediment.

Can you imagine having so many siblings? I’d have such food anxiety.

Shawn… ugh. I’m so sleepy from eating too many grapefruit slice candies. Listen, on the plus side, Shawn has muscles and is fun – he’ll get naked on a golf course. The downside of Shawn is he’s a rage-a holic, weeping, neurotic, deeply jealous man with trust issues and an addiction to hair product. Also, I don’t mean to suggest that his mom doesn’t love him, but where was she?

Poor Ben. Peter Brady – as we have already noted on this here blog – but Tom Brady, too, as Nick pointed out last night, eh? I knew when Ben kept selling the “talk all night” card he was digging his own grave. But when Kaitlyn said Ben had “everything on the checklist” it was clear he was being buried. Plus of course with him in his mid to late 20s and Kaitlyn in her late 20s, it was important that they talk frankly about their controversial age difference.

Obviously my favorite moment of the episode was when Nick was lurking like the total criminal he is outside the exit to Kaitlyn’s room to intercept Shawn. And then claimed not to have known he’d find Shawn there. Which one, shmartypansh? God this show doesn’t even try any more.

Obviously my favorite outfit of the night was Kaitlyn’s coral gown. Color was gorgeous, open back was gorgeous (our girl loves an open back and all manner of cut-outs) but the open front was too too open. Not in a breast way, necessarily, but in a way that my friend Jordan pointed out was so aggressively open it was almost medical.

Kaitlyn

 

 

 

 

Golf is a lot like love. I wear Spanx.

I have lady fingers.

I have lady fingers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Ben is a calming presence; I think the horses felt it." - Kaitlyn Bristowe

“Ben is a calming presence; I think the horses felt it.” – Kaitlyn Bristowe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and dear lord if my son ever tells me with a smirk that a girl is “great at making out” I’ll lock him in his room, age notwithstanding.

Nighty night luvvers,
xMH