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Jun 30 / admin

NICE DAY FOR A ROAD TRIP, EH?

This entry is part 6 of 9 in the series The Bach'ette 2015

shawnThis whole spectacular enterprise – which is made of vats of nothingness – is falling apart into nothingness. This is a feat.

Here’s the gist: This program — which exists largely as a travelogue/live-action brochure for various destinations worldwide and as a “talent pool” from which ABC can draw for purposes of programming cross-promotion — is now announcing a change in its age-old structure so that it can deal with the fact that its substance has decreased. As Chris Harrison explained in his Everything Is About to Change speech, production has decided to switch things up in a last ditch effort to compensate for Kaitlyn’s TANKING IT HARD. Hometown dates: slashed! Fantasy suite dates: hastened! Off-camera fraternizing: encouraged! It’s major.

Listen, I haven’t read Kaitlyn’s contract, but I’m certain it stipulates that her job is simply to get to know a group of men by doing activities with them over the course of several weeks (helicopter rides, picnics, running into oceans, jumping off boats), then pick her top four, then meet their families, then pick the the top three, then have sex with those three (on three successive nights vomit), then pick a favorite guy and date him for anywhere from two months (the minimum) to two years (if she wants to keep the ring from Neil Lane Jewelers). It’s not that hard. In fact this system is such a well-oiled machine that all a person really needs to do is show up with a rolling suitcase containing 2-3 dresses and one sarong and just mosey along the rose-festooned road from there.

But from the beginning Kaitlyn’s been off course. First of all, she hasn’t gotten to know any of the boys very well because all the pleasant activities have been replaced by competitions (sumo wrestling, boxing, stand up comedy, rapping[not raping tho], eulogizing). Then it was on to having sex with Nick, feeling bad about it, and crying all over town. There was also some promise-making to Shawn, feeling bad about it, and crying all over town. Nick and Shawn both feel miserable, each convinced that he is the cause of Kaitlyn’s crying all over town – which each is. The guys who are not Nick and Shawn are also miserable, because they’re like Who is Kaitlyn so miserable about? I wish it was me! so they’re also crying all over town. If I wasn’t so busy and important I’d make a GIF or at least a photo collage of all these cats crying all over town. Even Chris Cupcake is crying — on cliff’s edge!!!!!!for goddsake — and I cannot for the life of me understand why, but that’s a whole ‘nother matter.

As this episode progressed I realized that obviously Shawn’s (ironic?) blue suit was the absurd outer shell symbolizing his roiling inner mess. How did this poor gelatinous fellow ever get past psych screening to make it on this show? I get Shawn’s initial appeal. But as we’ve seen, his Gosling-ness so quickly devolved into so much toddler-esque storming, pacing, wincing, and brooding in outdoor spaces. Most importantly, he doesn’t seem to get that he’s on a show, that even if Kaitlyn was totally on board with him they couldn’t just shut down production and call off the rest of the season. Has he ever seen this show before? Shawn is hard to watch because I’ve dated this person. Not Shawn B specifically but there have been a couple Shawn Bs in my past. I used to fall for boys like that — compelled as I was by their abs and and gruff nature and total devotion which I found very fascinating, separately and in combination. In these cases you overlook small nagging things – like that they’re not great at formulating complex sentences – because they drive a truck, and can toss you into the air like nothing. And it’s fine for a short while, until the emotional, needy side comes out in all its alarming unattractiveness. Someone needs to stick a cane into frame and yank Shawn out accompanied by a jazzy little song. I have to say, though, I appreciated his one moment of poise tonight when he threw that zinger at Nick – “I don’t know how you’re doing this two times.” Commiserating on the outside, nougaty zinging on the inside!

I still don’t understand why Kaitlyn feels she has to tell people about “being intimate” with Nick. If she’s just trying to pre-empt Nick from blabbering first then I guess yes, go ahead; Nick’s bursting with the news and will try again to announce it to the world. But Kaitlyn’s a grown lady, she can do what she wants. As much as this show ties to establish that these are all real, actual dating relationships, they are not. Kaitlyn isn’t dating 9 guys and she’s not dating 1 guy and she doesn’t have to tell anyone her whereabouts or sexabouts.

This season’s new non-format is dizzying, is it not? It used to be that each episode went according to the same general outline: 3 dates followed by rose ceremony followed by the announcement of the next grand location they’d be traveling to. But now it’s topsy-turvy. We’re stuck in Dublin interminably crying on a loop and days are blending into weeks and some shows start with rose ceremonies, some end with them, and generally it’s difficult to keep track of what’s happening in real time. It’s like we’re in a casino. One where everything is shrouded in melted candle wax.

Look – it’s exhausting as hell to watch crying for two hours, even if you are simultaneously shopping online for sandals. I had some terrific Butter Pecan Hagen Dazs which was the highlight for me of this drippy episode- and another thing I accomplished during this time which I’m really excited about is I doused my hair in coconut oil, put it in a bun and ended up sleeping in it. You have to wash your hair about 76 times in the morning to get the oil out but it’s very worth it- my hair feels soft as a bunny!

Guys, I have a ton to say about Kaitlyn’s wardrobe — much of it positive — but I am just so sleepy. We will discuss it, though: cut out dresses, apparel involving sheer panels in the style of ice dancers, and fringe. Let’s not forget.

Peace out, lovers. Until next week. Or should I say SEXt week. Who will Kaitlyn choose for her ABC-sanctioned romps, will Nick be given another go, and will Shawn stick around or will he throw himself into this fire?

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xMH