Skip to content
Jun 23 / admin

I’M BEING PUNISHED FOR BEING INTELLECTUAL

This entry is part 5 of 9 in the series The Bach'ette 2015

photo(2)Don’t let that bowtie-of-whimsy fool you, Nick is a criminal. Last week I stood up for him, this week I rescind. It’s lame to sex-and-tell, even if — especially if — you are “pretending” to be “demure” and “not tell.” Nick is the dude who in high school and college never got to any base and now as an adult goes around blabbing and trying to diminish others to make up for lost time.

Still. I’m tremendously grateful to him for gifting us with this wonderful episode of television.

It’s not often that this show gives me actual human feelings (except superiority and hunger) but tonight made me uncomfortable, which made me feel alive! Seeing Nick and Kaitlyn grope and lip-bite each all around other around Dublin was excruciating – and it only went gloriously downhill from there as they made their way back to the hotel to whisper phrases such as “I want to know every part of you” followed by a shutting bedroom door followed by oh well, the microphones are still on and LOW MOANS. I’ve got to hand it to this show and its completely tenuous, schizophrenic grasp on its own sex rules: a chaste, Disney-fied parade giving way to sanctioned fantasy suite sex test-drives — but only on a designated day and hour — with moralizing and slut shaming and virgins and morning Bible study sessions in between. This unruly mess is, to me, one of the most fascinating aspects of this entire outer space enterprise.

The highlight of this storyline was obviously The Balcony Scene. Maybe Kaitlyn was talking to a producer, but it wasn’t totally clear. I like to imagine production coaching her. “We want to see your shame, Kaitlyn.” “Argue with yourself — try to imagine it’s Kaitlyn vs Kaitlyn.” “Show us regret — using your bathrobe as a prop.” It actually seemed to me like Kaitlyn was just talking to herself – like in a stream of unprompted exposition. You know, to help the audience follow the complex narrative. It reminded me of the way my daughter putters around her room at night and you can hear her little voice wafting down the hall playing every role as she bosses her stuffed animal students.

Before we fully abandon the topic of smarmy dbags: Ian is a revelation.

Not sure if you knew but he went to Princeton.

Not sure if you knew but he went to Princeton.

I enjoyed the part where he and Kaitlyn were fighting about a sense of humor, i.e. he accused her of having one and then they engaged in a discourse about whether a sense of humor a good thing or a bad thing – like on an absolute level. Truly chilling was him saying he wished he’d found the broken-hearted version of Kaitlyn, not the actual alive, confident, human lady who tells jokes and has opinions and doesn’t need to be spatula-ed off the floor. Toxic – despite Princeton and Deerfield, I’m afraid.

Nick wouldn’t be Nick if he didn’t come upstairs to comfort Kaitlyn after Ian’s rant. To each her own, I guess, because she seemed genuinely assuaged by Nick’s reassurance that her that her shallowness is actually totally loveable and he will gladly fuck her despite it. Nick appreciates her surfaceness – he wouldn’t have it any other way because that would be “exhausting.”

The Group Date

Since they are in Dublin (the Perfect Place to Fall in Love) it’s natural that a fun and frolicsome activity should be an Irish wake where they pretend Kaitlyn is dead. NO. Even this dreksome show can do better than this! I watched The Wire and I get that an Irish wake can be a cool, raucous, spirited event. But NO. A team of producers should not put Kaitlyn is in a casket and have spray-tanned men in hoodies who just met her do eulogies as a bonding activity. And, regarding Ben Z: no! I am so sorry he lost his mother but I am furious at him for giving Kaitlyn a sincere, emotional, private eulogy AS IF SHE WAS DEAD AND AS IF SHE WAS ALSO MAYBE A LITTLE BIT HIS MOM. I cannot anymore with Ben Z.

A quick word about Chris Cupcake- doesn’t it always seems like he’s 45 degrees askew of any given assignment? Like the cousin who is perpetually “off.” I’m also somewhat concerned because I see in the previews that he cries next episode and I cannot for the life of me figure out how that could come to pass since he is and has always been deeply peripheral.
photo 5(1)

Shawn happened to have some pictures of his family in his pocket to show Kaitlyn – no phones allowed so they were hard copies like a Grandma might have. Also, is Shawn OK? All episode long he was threatening to put his Walls back up. Constant threats about Shutting Down, Closing Up. But now it appears that the Walls going up might actually be permanent! He might leave! Kaitlyn is driving him over the edge – she told him he was “the one” and yet … I really feel for him and hope this producer/confidante can get him to stay.

Next week: Everyone cries. It looks like literally the whole cast will be in tears – save for Chris Harrison. I’m excited! I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, but you make your bed (full of STDs), you sleep in it – and that goes for all these cats and their shoddy judgement. See what I mean about superiority? Heyo! Off to eat some chilled sour bears.

G’night, and sleep tight lovers – xMH

Kaitlyn's reaction upon learning they will be traveling to Dublin.

Kaitlyn’s reaction upon learning they would be traveling to Dublin. HUGE fan of Ireland.