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Jun 18 / admin

HE’S EXACTLY WHO I WANT TO BE WITH – IN THIS MOMENT

This entry is part 4 of 9 in the series The Bach'ette 2015

photo 1(3)Someday, if I ever (am lucky enough to) write a Bachelor Book of Advice for the show’s contestants,one of my maxims will be He who complains about the villain IS the villain. It’s so obvious, right? It’s always the whistle-blowing, moral-compassing, whining, tattling jackhole shrieking about right reasons and wrong reasons who spirals into unstable maniac territory and needs to be ejected. Tonight Josh played this role brilliantly – and, to a lesser degree, so did “Tanner” a cat whose name and face I had never seen before this episode.

There’s not much to say about Josh except that even before tonight he was already on tenuous ground for the way he 1) pronounced tampon as “tampin” and seemed not to know what one is, 2) admitted to never before having been with a woman- or somesuch and 3) has never spoken with/nuzzled Kaitlyn before. That’s the other thing about these complainers — they’re always the  ones limping along in obscurity, way in the back of the pack. Tonight Josh’s trajectory covered a delightful and dizzying amount of ground: mad –> self-righteous –> madder –> half-mohawk –> stew in own juices in an airtight mason jar –> anxiety attack/Xanax –> weep.

photo 3(4)

self-righteous stage

Honestly, in comparison, Nick seems totally benign. Sure he’s silly. He cried over sex and chose to compete on a reality show to find a spouse twice in one year. But other than that what’s so bad about him? He’s a pretty good match for Kaitlyn as far as I can tell. He doesn’t have his WALLS UP ® and he loves talking about the way love feels. Also, dude has some Bachelor smarts; look at the way he crushed the mariachi competition whilst incorporating a reference to his boner.

Meanwhile, regarding San Antonio, TX, I’m concerned that the show is having budget problems. I’m also concerned, on a practical level, about the itinerary. LA to NYC to San Antonio….where are they on their way to? I hope this isn’t going to be like Chris Soules’ season where they stayed in America the whole time and interacted with a diverse array of Americans. I don’t wanna see that!

Ben H has a cute face. It was totally natural and organic the way Kaitlyn threatened him into sharing facts about himself. With Shawn, though, Kaitlyn didn’t have to coerce. Shawn opened up about his car accident which earned him an A+, the reward for which was more kissing & a canoe & fireworks. Is a date that contains back-to-back boat rides really a varied, properly-planned and balanced date? That’s a philosophical question for us — and producers — to chew on.

A few other things to chew on:

  • Is “death-defying” a quality women seek in a man? Shawn told Kaitlyn he survived a car crash that no one else on earth could have survived. Ian also described himself as death defying (I think he even referred to himself as a “2-time” death defier.). Maybe if I was meeting more single men in a social setting I would be aware that this is a thing?
  • Chris Harrison’s role this season has been reduced to rubble. What about the way he just appeared out of nowhere on that baseball field to deliver his Final Rose line! Watched it thrice.
  • Kaitlyn loves some fringe, right? I have a ton more to say about her wardrobe but have to wait until next week. I got to wrap things up! But while we’re on the topic of clothing, another thing that would be in my Bachelor advice book: No Tank Tops Allowed.

Listen, I loved loved loved the first chapter of Ian’s meltdown tirade. It’s been bubbling up for weeks and looks like there’s even more to come. Honestly, between the next installment of that fracas and Kaitlyn’s (self?) slut-shaming, next week is going to be an embarrassment of riches! I plan to have a ton of Twizzlers at the ready because it’s going to be stressful. Beautifully so, of course. See you then, ladies & men. xMH

I would like you to know I went to Princeton.

I’m not sure you realize I went to Princeton.