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May 26 / admin

SORRY I’M NOT SORRY

This entry is part 1 of 9 in the series The Bach'ette 2015

ladiesWe’re knee deep in the verdant splendor of spring-almost-summer, my house has brie and olives in it, and my favorite spectacle — that beautiful, alarming slice of human art I so love to hate — is back! Farmer Chris & Whitney have cycled out of the spotlight for cornier climes and it’s time for our new journey to begin. The House of Despair has been Lysoled top to bottom, the jacuzzi jets have been cranked up, the clear alcohols are flowing, and chests have been shaved.

Listen, I enjoy devouring all varietals of the Bachelor franchise but The Bachelorette is always my favorite. Less crying and less upspeak, for one thing – and fewer harness-based trust activities means there’s room for more innaresting outings. Like this one and sweet jesus- in googling that video I just found this which then led me to discover this by Courtney Robertson which I will absolutely read because she is my raison d’etre, Bachelorwise, i.e. if it wasn’t for her I would not be wasting hours upon hours of my life watching AND THEN WRITING ABOUT this magnificent drek.

Anyway it’s been so nice to get underway again – like being reunited with a familiar, comforting, abusive lover.

One way The Bachelor likes to compensate for its relentless season-to-season sameness is to add “twists” here and there, and this year’s innovation was to have the guys choose which girl would get the chance to choose them. Ever the feminist enterprise, this show. In any case, I’m so pleased it’s Kaitlyn. Obviously she’s so much better than silly Britt, but just in general: has there ever been a bach’ette more normal than Kaitlyn, a tiny cat with great eyes who has an actual sense of humor?  Amy Schumer wishes they’d be friends and I get it because I wish I’d be friends with the both of them.

Kaitlyn is great because she not only has a personality and brain, but she clearly loves a good jumpsuit and is, like 99% of Canadians, amazingly good-natured and all aboot hanging oot and having a good time. I thought it was telling that upon finding out she was the bachelorette, she asked if Britt was OK (She wasn’t.). And the way she handled that donkey Kupah was respectful and firm and I like her straight-talking ways. I’m excited to root for this love-seeking little firecracker.

We really don’t need to waste time talking about Kupah who managed to simultaneously sound both 1) insecure and 2) inarticulate while 3) accusing Kaitlyn of being racist and 4) wasting his time, which I thought was real ballsy on week #1 or, like, ever. By the way, this is one of my favorite tropes of this show, the whole I GAVE UP A LOT TO BE HERE bit. They all give up a lot — three months of their lives away from their families and work — which is completely crazy, that a person would do this to go on a televised competition show to find a spouse, but don’t make a dumb decision and then add insult to injury by complaining about it. Just enjoy the free produce!

photo 1

We saw a lot of another common Bachelor trope tonight which is the one where contestants get really frantic about spilling all their deep secrets very quickly and inorganically, so that the bachelor/bachelorette can factor that in to all their decisions. I just need you to know I have a kid. I just need you to know my dad left us. I just need you to know I have diabetes. For gods sake.

The group date

This boxing date made me furious. I’m not against all violence by any means. I watch Game of Thrones. But it is a whole ‘nother thing to watch people risk their safety for the “chance to win love.” I am completely against that drowned rat Jared for getting hurt and then having his paramedic drop him off for a quick make out session with Kaitlyn on Hollywood Boulevard. Jared’s facial hair scares me, his bad judgement scares me, and I am thoroughly against him, sorry. Anyway, watching this segment was very anxiety-provoking for me. That slow-mo sound effect they employed in the boxing ring took me right back to the ’80s and that awful shivery feeling I used to get watching the fight scenes in the Rocky movies.

1- on-1 w Clint

Clint is definitely cute. Also, he may have the brain of a 3-year-old. Time will tell, but it was either editing or a true thing that he did not speak on this date except to respond to Kaitlyn by basically repeating her sentiments verbatim.

Underwater photography really is cool!

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2nd group date at The Improv

Amy Schumer is wonderful.

JJ clearly has not watched this show before or else he’d know he can’t be both The Villain and The Dad. Duh. Two separate roles.

Really nice to be back, you guys. There is going to be a lotta making out (Kaitlyn, like Kevin Kline, loves a good French kiss) and even some sex followed by self-slut-shaming coming up, and I can only hope all this happens soon, only so we can talk about it soon!  I’m happy to know Britt is no longer crying in the hotel (no thanks to that Mom of hers right?) but has instead found love with Brady — proof that this show is all-powerful and really does find a way create love, even in its vapor mist wake.

Night night, and see you next week. xMH