A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS THAT THE WHOLE WORLD WILL BE TALKING ABOUT
Listen, if Planet Bachelor was a snowglobe (which it sort of is in that it’s an airtight glass bubble filled with with plastic set pieces and cascading fake snow) Becca just picked it up and gave it a good shake. Everything is topsy turvy crazyville now! Down is up and up is down!
Leave it to the virgin, right, everyone?
Chris wants Becca. Becca wants Chris. But. Becca doesn’t want to marry him right now. After all, she barely knows him! She wants to date him. Get to know him. Maybe have some conversations that aren’t televised. This makes Chris go hunh?? Because what on earth?! That’s not the game they signed on for! The game they signed on for has to end in a marriage proposal. That is the prize the winner wins. Whitney played by the rules and did a really good job. She will say yes to a marriage proposal, move to the farm, and make babies for a living beginning tomorrow. So, Chris chooses Whitney. Whitney won! And so did Chris!
This finale was so deeply stressful to me I had to phone Nick and ask him to bring home sour bears and Twizzlers, the large package. I just hope Whitney was telling the truth about not watching the parts of the episodes she’s not in — because she’s so obviously leftovers. And what’s with everyone harassing Becca about what’s holding her back. WHAT’S HOLDING HER BACK IS SHE DOESN’T KNOW CHRIS.
Meanwhile, Chris is infuriating. Big deal that he’s chivalrous and good at crops. He has no self-awareness. No wisdom. No ability to speak confidently and self-assuredly about anything except corn. At the top of the episode when he said “I could go in either direction” I wanted to kick him in the scarf. It doesn’t even make sense to have so few opinions about who you want to be with. It turns out Whitney’s M.O. was perfect for someone as porous as Chris. Just keep stating “It feels right” and “We make perfect sense” over and over in an overconfident way, and he will ultimately believe it — or at least passively accept it.
A few things:
1) I liked when Chris Harrison welcomed us from the live studio audience, announcing that the crowd tidily seated there was “standing room only.” Wonderful, wonderful stuff. I really did appreciate that they tamped down the live audience participation tonight. No one wants to hear from Real Americans. Meanwhile who among us did not feel a little thrill seeing mythical creature Ashley S. sitting there in the flesh and off her collar! As soon as I have the chance I’m going to look into her story (will keep you posted, obviously).
2) Whitney might have won a kind of soupy guy but she got a rad family. Those sisters are top notch. And that mom! They’re going to have some really good times together with all that dreary yet beautiful space, like playing capture the flag on summer evenings, probably with berry pie. In the fall it will be all about flannel (Whitney can bust out her flannel button-down dress again) and mulled cider while lounging on bales of hay. Chris’ house looks super comfy. It was pretty cute when he muttered that bit about holding off on decorating until a woman came along.
3) The dramatic arc of the women’s back-to-back visits to with Chris’ family couldn’t have been more glorious. Whitney went for it 200% with the Soules. It was WAY too intense, between the grody toast and the weeping and the wanting to be adopted by new parents – but the family ate it up. Whitney is it! they declared. She is the one! Why do we even have to meet Becca, ughh? But then Becca totally brought it with her series of disarming tiny-town jokes (trips to the post office, haaaaaaa) and the family thought she was a laugh riot and they totally GOT HER. (At least the mom did.)
4) I am so curious whether the women bring those final rose ceremony gowns in their suitcases. I understand they bring most if not all of their own things for the course of the season, but a floor length gown just seems like such a specific item to pack – like for the very slim possibility you’ll need it in 3 months. Becca’s rust-colored number was deceptively stunning and a perfect cold-weather gown. Would not have given it the First Impression Rose when she laid it out on the bed, I’m saying, but once it was on her I changed my tune; it — and she — was dazzling.
Guys. I know this was short tonight. Long day, and I am exhausted by the sugar high I’m riding and need to cuddle up with the Real Simple that just arrived – along with the rest of my Twizzlers. As always I’m thankful for having had your company during this alarming, delicious ride through outer space. And grateful for the witnesses, for godssake. But mostly the company. VERY BIG DEAL next season on The Bachelorette (2 bachelorettes, so that the men can choose the woman who will be choosing the men), so that will for sure be something to behold. Together, I hope.
Until then, keep those candles lit and roses blooming,