DEEPER AND STRONGER
Tonight was a humdinger. AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I ENJOYED A SLEEVE OF THIN MINTS – THE COOKIE THAT MAKES YOU THIN. If we can accept the basic premise that this show is a vat of beautiful despair mixed with the vapor mist of clear alcohols and spray tan solution (we can, right?), then we can also accept the statement that tonight SO MUCH HAPPENED.
The Fantasy Suite episode is obviously the highlight of any season (second only to the “Hometown” episode) because it’s just so fantastic that an official part of this chaste, Disney-fied, airbrushed enterprise is that the Bachelor (or B’ette) gets to test out the front-runners’ sex skills. It always goes like this: even though the lady contestants have watched many seasons of this show and therefore know what to expect, and even though they are on the eve of accepting a marriage proposal, they still demure about going into the Fantasy Suite. They hem and haw and sometimes say they will come only if they can talk all night — basically they subject us to a whole Broadway performance about VALUES and then eventually do it. But not tonight! Tonight was as refreshing as a seashell full of a Balinese nectar beverage. Tonight, for the first time, Chris et al called the overnights what they are — a test drive — and they were all unapologetic about it. No justifying, no tap dancing. (What if there had been tap dancing, though!)
This poor girl got a walking-around-with-no-real-activity date, the kind which exist to test whether the lady is a game adventuress, whether she’s willing to taste local delicacies even if they are insects, whether she will smile warmly at and even engage with the natives. These dates can be a bonding experience and they’re not bad to have, but Kaitlyn essentially already had one with her Costco date. Girlfriend got a raw deal – not a single horse or helicopter or chance to hold hands with Chris and jump off of anything.
Meanwhile, those monkeys were adorable, but watching them perch on Kaitlyn and Chris to eat bananas reminded me of how dreadful it is at Trafalgar Square where the thing is to let those British pigeons hang out on your body. I’m all for interacting with wildlife, except well, no, not really. I’m not. I’m high maintenance. But I would have done it for Prince Farming.
I’m going to miss Kaitlyn. I liked her – she’s funny, she has a personality (even with her Walls Up™), and a cute, toothy cute face. I’ll miss her crop top outfits and dry humor- and she’s the kind of gal I’ll probably Google when this whole thing is done – see what she’s up to, maybe see if there are some dance clips, maybe even discover a glorious blog as delightful to me as Ashley’s.
This girl is interesting. I’m not bothered by her voice. I like her job. I like her (almost creepy) confidence, her calm. I liked that she and Chris had an ultra practical, concrete talk about lifestyle, location, and career. As they were talking, I was trying to come up with a solution for them – and I started thinking she should keep her job and just commute to Chicago. Like maybe do a 4 day work week, or squeeze it into an extended 3 day work week of 10 hours/day and keep an apartment by the lake, or in the suburbs, maybe, if it’s cheaper. Or stay with her sister! But no. Turns out Whitney wants to be full time babymaker, beginning as soon as Chris proposes. So. Now I am considering her the front-runner. Arlington, Iowa + babies = first place.
Everything about Becca fascinated me tonight. Of course first there’s the idea that someone who’s never been in love and never had sex would choose to go on a nationally televised reality competition show to find a husband. Let’s chew on that for a semester. Then, there are the soccer shorts she wore on her date. Then, there is the way she rocked that Balinese getup at the rose ceremony, her hair a perfect Brigitte Bardot/island-y combo. Then there’s the very reasonable, straightforward way she said she wouldn’t move to Chris’ remote hometown unless things were clearly established between them. Listen, this cat is very innaresting indeed. Her speaking cadence is like that of a psychopath – but what comes out of her mouth is actually very sweet and just the perfect match, energy-wise, for Farmer Chris. I can’t believe we were all there — one sheer curtain panel away — when she lost her virginity. This is too intense!
The fact that Chris can barely speak and is just a tad too decent and shy to be in the role of Bachelor barely matters. This season is all about the women. They have broughten it.
Looks like next week Chris’s mom makes Becca cry!