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Feb 3 / admin

ISN’T MY STORY AMAZING?

This entry is part 4 of 6 in the series The Bachelor 2015

kelsey-poe-the-bachelor-crazy

SANDERSON POE.

Couldn’t that suffice as the entire post?

Guys. Tonight was everything.

A true psychopath in a cardigan emerges to weep/boast about her dead husband — a situation which may or may not be real — and later collapses, sobbing, on the red tile floor.

A real life Cinderella tumbles into whitewater rapids, followed by hypothermia – which may or may not have been real.

The return of damaged goods, a.k.a. Do People Deserve Second Chances in Life?

And it all transpires in Santa Fe, a place which excites Chris because it’s (obviously) “the perfect place to fall in love,” and which excites Megan because she loves “beach resort places” and the chance to travel to a foreign country.

Also - not a makeup artist.

Also – not a makeup artist.

This episode was a special gift and I am thankful!

1-on-1 with Carly

The date card said “let’s come together” and I thought to self “this cannot possibly mean what I think it means.” But the great thing is it did. This unsettling spectacle was half date, half skit – starring a Love and Intimacy Guru named Tziporah, who communicated her free-spiritedness to us via an airy scarf and knowing smile.

guruWatching this activity unfold was a lot like being a victim of tickle torture; it seems like you’re having a blast because of all the hahahahas but actually you’re so uncomfortable and really want it to stop – but you can’t make it stop because you’re so busy with the hahahas. Of course, in perfect Bachelor style, they picked for this date the girl with major intimacy issues and body shame. I can’t decide, is this cruel exploitation or is it benevolent? Like – is this challenge to stand in for real therapy for Carly and does it actually provide her with a breakthrough moment where she not only conquers her demons but does so while simultaneously ensaring an agricultural prince for a husband? Maybe she’s totally winning and those of us who can’t see it are the wrong ones.

Anyhoo, the downward dog with thigh caress from behind was rough, the chocolate mouth smears were very rough, and the MOUTH INTO MOUTH breathing/sitting non-sex seriously violated me. This was new territory for the show (as far as I know), but ultimately it accomplished the same thing as all the other physical dare dates: By the end Chris and Carly were bonded – out of relief, perhaps, more than anything else. But that counts. And ground was forged; Chris took Carly out of the friend zone and said he was “excited to take it to the next level” with her. Which is big.

noteroticDid anyone else really enjoy when Tziporah encouraged Carly to “treat [Chris’] sense of taste?” That phrase – my God. It sent me back to every contact improv jam in my life. Treat your partner to a curved lumbar and see what kind of surface this opens up for her.

I stress-ate a ton of cheddar during this segment!

The Group Date

The whitewater rafting — where the uniform was full makeup and Lululemon outfits — was high stakes, especially when we saw that crucifix adorned with flowers in the foreground (!) to remind us that rafting is serious. I have no doubt that were it not for the issues of melting makeup and fragile eyelashes, Ashley would have fallen herself out of the boat before Jade had the chance. Being rescued by Chris would have been so perfect for her princess/virgin narrative. Those lashes really are restrictive.

The real climax of this group date was Jordan’s triumphant return. Triumphant not in the sense of her mission being successful, but in the sense that she was sober, not upside down twerking, and sent to Santa Fe by The Lord himself.

whaaaaat? But Jordan isn't even wife material.

Self-appointed wife material

In other news, I love Kaitlyn. She’s the most normal one of the bunch, the one who most approximates a regular human that you might see walking around earth. I hope I don’t have to take that back*, but I’m sticking with it for now.

1-on-1 with Britt

“She looks as beautiful first thing in the morning as she does when she’s all dolled up,” said Chris, in the craziest, blindest statement ever. Didn’t Britt’s mom teach her how bad it is for one’s skin to sleep in one’s makeup? AND ONE’S OWN FILTH?! I’m obsessed with Britt’s lack of showering issue. Truly fixated. I could hardly focus on her date at all, so disturbed was I to learn about her smellycat ways. I feel like there must be a reason behind it. Possibly she has a water phobia (in addition to her fear of heights)? Maybe she is prone to eczema which is exacerbated by long hot showers? I don’t understand it. My careful examination of her hair tonight suggested that it wasn’t super dirty. So is she just piling on dry shampoo? And if so, what brand is it because it works really well.

Rabbithooooooooole.

So, Kelsey is terrifying – like Amy from Gone Girl. I’m completely befuddled by this mystery. At this point, you could tell me that Kelsey completely made up Sanderson Poe. You could tell me she killed him. You could tell me she truly is a grieving widow who’s just hamming it up for this outer space bananas pageant. Any of it, I’d believe. I love a good thriller! Also, why did Kelsey wear such a weird seduction outfit? She looked like Tracy Flick.

Guys, I’m on seat’s edge after this cliffhanger and very eager indeed to see how the panic attack resolves itself, who goes rose-less in Kelsey’s place, whether Britt showers (especially post “nap” with Chris) and whether Ashley stabs Whitney, Jade or Kelsey in the night.

Does Chris have passport issues? Usually they’ve left the country by now.

Good night, and good luck!
xMH

* I was wrong about Kelsey. I’d written on this blog here that I thought she’d become the next bach’ette, and now I see how off I was. Please understand how blinded I was by her softspoken ways, her ability to speak in solid, complete sentences, her sensible brown hair in a sensible bob, and her job as a guidance counselor. AND HER DEAD HUSBAND. I feel like such a fool.