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Jan 21 / admin

ROSELESS FEELS SO BAD

This entry is part 3 of 6 in the series The Bachelor 2015

kimmelTonight was sheer pleasure. I enjoy Jimmy Kimmel generally but watching him burst into the hermetically sealed Bachelorscape to mix and mingle with these maniacs was something very profound indeed. It was so innaresting to see a human being interact directly with martians on their turf. Like an anthropology study! Plus there was the dynamite obstacle course – I always appreciate a tense sportif competition (which is why I watch this show in the first place). Plus it turns out Jillian consistently has problems covering her bum, which is wonderful. Also I ate a ton of cherries.

1-on-1 with Kaitlyn

Listen, Kaitlyn is a lunatic. She has a terrible kissing style (a nibbler – the inverse of Ashley I’s velociraptor, if you will) and generally speaking she needs to simmer the fuck down. But she’s also great and deeply unplugged – and who else of this batch of women could have pulled off a threesome steak date with Jimmy Kimmel? She laughed her good-times laugh all night long and was the consummate guy’s girl. This date was also a very big deal to me, personally, in that THEY APPEARED TO ACTUALLY BE EATING THE MEAL.

Overall I don’t yet know what to make of Kaitlyn. I like that she is not the typical Bachelor cat – you don’t get a lot of Chris-worship or fairytale chatter from her. No hardscrabble backstory, either (yet). No crying (yet). I’m not sure she likes likes Chris. Does this mean she’s there for the Wrong Reasons? I hope so! We’ll learn more in time – this amazing journey has a lot in store. Meanwhile, my favorite thing about her tonight was the crop top, and my second favorite thing was when she and Chris were cooking- “He was, like, seasoning up the steaks and I was pouring the bourbon and it just felt totally real.”

Gurl, it was.

The Group Date

I am a lady with an intense and unhealthy competitive streak, so this farm-themed obstacle course hit the spot. Fence hopping Dukes of Hazzard style? Consuming vast quantities of warm goat milk straight from the teat? I only wish they’d had to birth a calf. This fantastic, exploitative, possibly health-compromising group date spectacle was made even more fantastic by my realization midway through it that ABC will be placing a black bar over Jillian’s exposed underbutt in every single outfit of every single episode moving forward.

Just in case Mike Fleiss is reading this: Sir, please have more obstacle courses! They add the perfect dash of Amazing Race flavor and it really jazzes things up! It’s almost too stimulating for me to endure – I cannot watch this kind of thing without flashing back to 6th grade Color War and that delicious, shaky, frantic feeling I used to get while being too intense about smashing the competition.

So, tonight marked the season’s first “My parents are amazing” speech, this time delivered by Becca, chiropractic assistant. This is a common Bachelor trope, but definitely one of the creepier ones. I know the idea is to convey I have great role-models for relationships, I come from stability and am healthy about love. But it’s so weird – like as a strategy – and somehow it always makes it seem like the gal lives at at home with her parents and sleeps in bed with them.

1-on-1 with Whitney

What can I say? I found it disarming when she cried real tears of relief upon getting the date card. It was also disarming to learn that she meets people at airports and becomes Facebook friends with them. She has an energy that I find rather calming, babyvoice notwithstanding.* Read about the silly wedding crashing here.
Next week: an Amazing Jar’s worth of jealousy, it looks like, and many many bitter tears. I hope you’ll be along w me for the spaceship ride – Elton John had it right: It can be lonely out in space.

Until then,
xMH

*I would take babyvoice any day over vocal fry. Also, a voice that’s babyish in tone/pitch/whatever you call it (like Whitney’s) bothers me much less than a voice that’s babyish in diction (like Juelia’s). I know it seems like I can’t stop picking on Juelia** and I can’t. But she’s asking for it. JUELIA.

** What a gentleman Chris was when Juelia pulled him away in the middle of the fun, happy pool party to cry and tell him about her former husband. That’s just terrible, in all ways. A terribly sad story, terrible timing, terrible eyelashes. You know what’s also terrible? J-U-E-L-I-A.

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