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Jan 13 / admin

WE’RE NOT HERE TO PARTY, WE’RE HERE TO FIND LOVE

This entry is part 2 of 6 in the series The Bachelor 2015

groupdateI cannot even get to writing about tonight’s episode without first sharing with you this little piece of delicious websanity that I found because God loves me. My favorite thing about this blog is that Andi GIVES NEWSY UPDATES ABOUT CURRENT WORLD EVENTS. Not analysis, I’m saying – just news reports, like her site is an alternative to CNN. Wonderful wonderful stuff. My second favorite thing about her blog are the fashion posts. I love Andi’s style, and especially because I spent a good part of the past year wearing leggings and maternity tees from Target, I feel extra appreciative of any nuggets she has to offer. Honestly I could give a lick about her engagement to and break up with Josh; that’s just silly background noise to me. Give me the chitter chatter on The Love Tee by Andi Dorfman and hot nail colors for winter and I’m happy as a clam.

So we’re really in it now. The clear alcohols are flowing, the helicopters have been gassed up, everything and everyone are amazingamzingamazingamazing – and this season the only rules are there are no rules. Chris Harrison even said it! That means you can bring back booted contestants, you can end group dates midstream, you can even break into Chris’ quarters and touch his things. One real rule should be that production is required to sanitize the premises when things like that happen. Jillian gives me shivers.*

Of the three dates tonight, I’m going to call BS on that tractor group date. It didn’t involve beautiful scenery, it wasn’t competitive or sporty, it didn’t involve some sort of anxiety-producing trust exercise as a metaphor for falling in love… it was as if the show I love had taken an Ambien, like producers just threw it together at the last minute, which probably they did, to replace another activity that had fallen through. Pool party in downtown LA, then put on your heels and drive a tractor at 2 mph down a city street, then everyone sit glumly on some bales of hay at an intersection, then everyone except Ashley I go home? I’ll say this about Ashley I: I did not believe that bit about her being a virgin. What adult is a virgin, first of all, and even if there was one: would this Adult Virgin want to lose her virginity to a stranger on a TV show? It just doesn’t square. But! Then she made out with Chris. And at that point I did believe she was a virgin. She had a velociraptor kissing style that was very alarming.  NEWSFLASH – just this very instant I have found Ashley I’s website devoted to her love of all things Kardashian sweet Jesus.

Things that I’m chewing on right now (in addition to Red Vines):

  • Chris seems sweet. he reminds me of Sean Lowe (minus the praying) in that he’s all fresh-faced and fish-out-of-water and just so genuinely bowled over that so many “hot women” are in physical proximity to him. It is possible that this is the largest number of people Farmer Chris has ever been around at once.
  • I liked Megan on the one-on-one date, but was disappointed when I realized that this was the same person who donned a helmet at Chris’ pad and banged her head against each and every surface.
  • Tara’s dismissal tears were really heartbreaking. When she said that being sent home will haunt her for the rest of her life I wanted to slap her and hold her all at the same time.
  • “Juelia.” That spelling makes my brain melt! What a tragic backstory about her baby’s daddy. But still: “Juelia.”

Sorry not to write more this week. I’m very busy and important! Quite looking forward to Jimmy Kimmel’s rascally pranks next time- and remember, hold onto your stuff because GUYS LIKE TO TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

xmh

*I am always disturbed by the kind of person who is obsessed with working out, always talking about how much they love to work out and flexing. Furthermore, why was she wearing a bikini so tiny that ABC had to place a black bar over her parts? Even furthermore, I know Jordan was drunk, but all that talk about Jillian’s hairy bum was very unsettling.