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Jan 7 / admin

YOU CAN PLOW MY FIELD ANYTIME

This entry is part 1 of 6 in the series The Bachelor 2015
chris

There was a moment tonight where I thought my DVR hadn’t recorded the BIG SEASON PREMIERE.

We moved recently, and somewhere in my sleep deprived brain I suddenly remembered Nick possibly saying that our Tivo setttings had undone themselves and would need to be re-set. Slight panic. Disappointment. A twinge of relief. And some existential type questions, namely: if roses are given out in Agoura Hills, California, but I don’t witness it, did it happen and does it still make a sound?

The suspense ends here, everybody – it had recorded – and in gorging myself on this bananas spectacle tonight I was reminded that not watching this show and watching it are really quite similar — in the best way possible, even though Chris Harrison* promised that the episode would be “a Bachelor premiere like you’ve never seen before.” Never? Really? Season 19, baby! Reuse, reduce, recycle.

All the standard ingredients were there. Of his just-begun “journey,” Chris said “Love is a lot like farming; You plant a seed, hope it grows…” because why wouldn’t he say that. The vid packages had him working the land, showering out of doors, getting fit, staring wistfully into the sunset, and cheersing with his pleasant, midwestern family over dinner. Stepping into The House, he obviously felt that his wife was in the room.

The 30 ladies — 29 long haired, 1 short haired, 1 Amber, 2 Ashleys, one widowed one, one black one — were on target. They said wooooo when their limos pulled up to The House, then later sat with Chris on the beige patio furniture and assured him that family is especially important to them – but using the words expecially and importinn. This season-by-season sameness is what I count on; it’s calming and reassuring and is the Monday night blanket that I can wrap myself up in for a glossy, gliding ride in a sequin-encrusted sleigh. Give me this on a platter!

Speaking of platters, because it’s the tail end of holidays time we have a ton of food, and for a long while tonight I was paralyzed, trying to decide between savory snacks (brie, olives, salumi) and dessert ones. I ended up demolishing the mini gingerbread house I made with my girl. HOLY SHIT IT IS INCREDIBLY SATISFYING TO SMASH A HOUSE.

Meanwhile, what a treat, that bonus red carpet segment! This was where Bachelor franchise ghosts from seasons past could mingle about, a who’s who of absurdly low-grade celebrities bouncing around a closed-circuit galaxy. I particularly enjoyed the way just like at a real awards show, the “stars” carried on in the background as the host talked, but here “carrying on” did not involve paparazzi snapping pics of them, it was just them chatting amongst themselves, probably about HPV. Meanwhile, I loved that Andi and Josh, all handsy, were just as I expected they would be — namely that Josh is not allowed to talk.

Listen, I have an open mind about Chris Soules. On the one hand it’s hard to feel very jazzed about him; he seems so bland! You have to remember, my first Bach season was Ben Flajnik’s and boy, how I enjoyed despising that arrogant horse neigggggh. On the other hand, though, I’ve matured since then and learned — particularly from Sean Lowe — that even when the bachelor lacks definitive personality traits, it can still be a pleasant ride overall. There are some things I like about Chris, like that he is 33 years old — completely elderly! I also like his sleepy voice and actual chest hair and the way he giggled during the limo exits. So far, his only real (self-appointed) character flaw is hometown of Arlington, Iowa. Everyone’s all ugh, Iowa. What should we do about the Iowa issue? I get it, it’s the boonies. But truly, how could living there — in his pretty, sprawling house, surrounded by all that corn (corn?), eating great dinners with his fun sisters — be any worse than the suburban holes some of these ladies come from?

Also:

  • During the show, I get an email from my friend Jeremiah boldly predicting that if Kelsey does not win, she will be the next Bachelorette. I agree! I was completely struck by her, not just because she’s a widowed school counselor, but because she communicates in full sentences without up-speak, and doesn’t have long hair (very big deal). I have been thinking about cutting my hair into a bob recently, so you can bet I’ll keep a close eye on Kelsey if for no other reason than that.
  • It was funny to see ‘roidy Cody reappear as Chris’ trainer (remember when Andi took Cody on a date and had to pretend she was actually considering a relationship with him?). Here’s something innaresting I learned from the internet: not only is Cody Chris’ Official Trainer for this season, but since appearing on The Bachelorette, he has built a very successful career training people OVER SKYPE.

BTW I tried to take a video of me destroying the gingerbread house to document it all but my phone wouldn’t let me – too full of photo series’ from our Christmas in a bear-themed cabin. Like this one. photo

Happy to be back in the saddle again. As they say. That was a farmer pun. Heyo!Until next week-

xMH

Chris' Secret Admirer. No cause for alarm.

Chris’ Secret Admirer. No cause for alarm.

*Henceforth Chris Harrison will be known as Chris Harrison so as to avoid confusion with plain Chris.