THE BACHELOR: HORSES WILL ALWAYS BE PART OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER

As a Bachelor newbie, I was really looking forward to the hometown visits, or “hometowns” as Ben calls them on his blog. Idol and SYTYCD, two shows I’ve been following for awhile, do these hometown visit episodes towards the end of each season, too, and it’s always such an intriguing breath of fresh air to leave the week-to-week structure behind for a minute and see the contestants in their natural habitats. With The Bachelor this was especially so. I’ve been hungry to know just where these maniac women come from, not so much geographically, but, like, existentially.

 

LINDZI

Unfortunately, my senses cannot handle Lindzi anymore between the voice and the overall color palette, but I did think her hometown visit was the perfect way to kick off the episode because it seemed to go really swimmingly well. For one thing, her parents seemed cool and normal and I was struck by the way they generously yet legitimately seemed to buy into the whole piece of theater that Lindzi was actually bringing home her boyfriend, rather than a horse-laughing wine-maker who is running a harem as part of a human experiment to see whether he can find a soulmate on a televised competition show. Another cool thing was that Lindzi got to turn the tables and mentor Ben in an obscure outdoor sporting event. Touché, Ben! She also got to impress him by revealing her vulnerable side, which she does by vocal fry-ing nonstop about her breakup from last year (“Lindzi is really opening up!”). And, most importantly, they ate s’mores, making this my favorite date if I play a game where I imagine I’m Ben. By the end, Ben re-realized he was falling in love with Lindzi, which is, of course, his way of saying “She is the woman I’ve hung out with most recently.”

I also really appreciated the horse theme here. Lindzi’s whole life is horses, apparently, and so suddenly she and Ben seem perfectly matched in that they both bring some horse genes to the table. Like, imagine she wins and they live in Sonoma and start a cute horse family together consisting of suntanned horse-humans who also ride horses? Soulmates!

I couldn’t help but notice Lindzi said “important” again (twice) in that way that shatters my brain. No surprise to learn that she was raised by a dad who says “innarested.” Along the same lines, I spent a lot of time scrutinizing the mom and it’s just so hard for me to believe that the spelling of Lindzi was her idea. Like, really, she chose that combination of letters? No. I just don’t see it.

KACIE

Kacie’s chances with Ben had imploded weeks ago when she gave that “everyday things” speech to him in which she fantasized about a couple-life that would include days filled with grocery shopping and gym outings. This girl is so sweet and, frankly, totally gorgeous what with her vaguely Minka Kelly-ish looks. But Courtney was onto something when she referred to Kacie as a little girl. It’s kinda true. Kacie is a not quite sophisticated or refined enough to keep the attentions of a man as worldly and horselike as Ben Flajnik. So when her hometown visit began with that baton routine in the humid, extremely hair-unfriendly high school football field named after her grandfather, I knew I was witnessing the nail in the coffin right then and there. I actually appreciated the effort and thought it was cool the way she was maybe doing a callback to that first date in Sonoma or something when she first told him about her baton past. But that Sonoma night now seems so many eons ago; Ben has since moved on to other brunettes. It’s sad to think about Kacie in that limo, all confused and broken. Since episode 1, she has truly believed that she and Ben were a foregone conclusion and that it was simply a matter of them both just enduring the rest of the production until they could finally be together and start going to Bally’s Fitness together on weekends.

Perhaps my favorite moment of this horrible date was Ben asking Kacie’s gruff, monosyllabic, dagger-eyes dad “Are you OK with this forum?” NO HE IS NOT OK WITH THIS FORUM, ALSO HE WANTS TO SHOOT YOU. My second favorite moment was when white wine and goblets inexplicably appeared in the bleachers as Kacie was talking about her grandmother dying of a broken heart and Ben was dying of boredom.

Meanwhile, Kacie’s mom seems super young, right?

NICKI

I don’t have much to say about Nicki other than that she looked really great for her hometown date. She appeared to have two shirts throughout the day, though: a striped, off-the-shoulder knit number and a silver sequined one, and the backing and forthing between these two tops confused me about the chronology of the day. But I’ll skip over that like I do many things on this show and just pretend it is sensical. The most noteworthy part of Nicki’s date was her adorably emotional dad. In fact I learned more about Papa Nicki in one episode than I’ve learned about his daughter all season. Let’s face it, all we know about Nicki is that she’s been divorced. Much the same way Lindzi likes to vocal fry all day long about her ex, Nicki likes to reflect upon the strength she gained as a result of her “failing marriage.” Also, Ben really really really loves Texas!

COURTNEY

Now that Courtney is on home turf and away from the vanilla girls, she is much chagrined about her behavior in previous weeks. Alright. But I’m bored to death by this new, cuddly, humane Courtney. So let’s move on to discuss her outfit. At first I’m all “what a gorgeous dress, yes white really is such a crisp, bold statement” etcetera etcetera only to then realize oh shit, it’s her wedding dress! For her fake wedding to Ben! I guess she is trying show him she means business? Her vows stole lines from Carrie Bradshaw and Bob Marley and I was as uncomfortable as Ben was elated. But in happier news, I found it very gratifying to learn that Courtney’s baby voice comes straight from her moms! That was crazy, right? When they were having that one-on-one talk you could close your eyes and imagine it was two toddler girls sitting on the floor and murmuring while combing My Little Pony’s tail. Adored Courtney’s unplugged Khloe Kardashian of a sister and fully appreciated her silver fox of a dad, too, for the way he seems to be using this opportunity to audition for something himself. I don’t know what it is but I hope he gets it.