THE BACHELOR: PANAMA CITY

Last night’s episode TOOK THE CAKE. I felt more second-hand embarrassment than I have felt all season, Ben was horsier than he’s been all season, Chris Harrison was creepier than he’s been all season, and Blakeley was scrapbooking more intensely than in any other episode this season. BLISS.

Perfectly fitting that the episode started off with a helicopter. It makes it seem as if Kacie B and Ben are en route not to a chaste bikini date where they will pretend they’re survivors on Lost, but rather a very important mission. Especially when you toss in those headsets. All season I’ve been pulling for Kacie to come across as smart because as previously mentioned, her hair is great and she seems genuinely sweet. But after last night, I’m afraid her days as Courtney’s sister wife are numbered. Upon learning that the helicopter is bringing them to an uninhabited island, Kacie squeals “We’re going to be alone!” which I guess is *sort of* true, if you minus the camera guys and sound guys and set decorators (the people whose job it is to place banana leaves in a stack on the beach so Ben can cook the fish in them) and all the rest of the crew who will be but five feet away from them. But ultimately this island date is a bust. First there’s Kacie’s awkward, overly dramatic reveal about her eating disorder that happened a million years ago, an experience that she says has made her wise beyond her years. And, Ben, being douchetastic and half horse does not really know how to respond warmly and empathetically to this announcement. But there is confusion in the air. Kacie should get points for this, right? Because the girls are supposed to get points for opening up and “going deeper?” He promised! It’s tense. Kacie’s unraveling. But forget anorexia, the bigger nosedive takes place when Kacie says that although she’s having fun with all the travel and adventure, she “can’t wait for the everyday things.” What everyday things? Ben wants to know. You know, Kacie responds, like grocery shopping and cooking. NOOOO. Know your audience, Kacie! Do your other set! Ben’s horse face immediately clouds over. He dies inside. He wants to put her back on the helicopter RIGHT NOW. How does Kacie not know that this kind of existence doesn’t appeal to Ben? He’s Indiana Jones!

The anthropology date with the indigenous people in loincloths is I think a topic that does not even justify conversation. Can we pretend it didn’t happen? Let’s agree to continue the Lost analogy for a second and imagine this event happened somewhere else on the space-time continuum and didn’t exist in what we call “reality.” Good, then.

What I did really enjoy was the whole Casey S storyline! Chris Harrison appears from outer space and says it’s come to his attention — from not one, not two, but THREE sources in America — that Casey is possibly in love with someone else and not in love with Ben. Bam. Shame spiral begins. Casey has broken the rules of this enterprise. She should have been devoted to Ben, a complete stranger, in the event that he was going to choose her to be g-fri, which he was not going to do. As Casey and Chris discuss this serious infraction, we learn that Casey cannot string a sentence together in English, which is more than we have learned about her to date. Chris marches Casey, barefoot and stammering, to Ben’s room where conveniently cameras are already waiting. Casey admits what she did. And because Ben is a straight talking horse, he gives her his stern, disappointed father look and sends her home. And then we learn that even though Casey is really pretty, she is the ugliest crier on the planet! Casey gets put in the Weeping Van. Weird to think that just a week ago I thought of Casey S as the quiet, stylish one with cool, beachy hair and a knowing smirk. She totally pulled off that denim onesie, though. Supercute.

And finally: a star was born last night. I’m talking about Jamie, obvi. Before last week I didn’t even know her name. But last night was her time to shine. Here Ben is sucking face with every four-limbed creature that comes near him, yet Jamie has to give herself multiple crazyperson pep talks to convince herself to go for it and kiss him. Like a real weirdo! This girl is wasting my time, I’m thinking, but then I stop thinking that because I know she’s gone ASAP. When Jamie does finally work up the courage to kiss Ben, she tells him how it’s gonna go, which is that he should start with a clothed mouth, then later open it, then close it again. Or something like that. It’s not just the instruction that’s weird, it’s her coked up 5-year-old girl delivery of the instructions. Even Ben is scared, in a laughing kind of way. Gotta say, the Jamie portion of the evening made me appreciate Courtney that much more. No, I’m not kissing Courtney’s ass because she knows where I live and I’m scared that she will come kill me, even though those things are true. I just appreciate that Courtney is really going for it and playing the game to the max, titties out and all. I’m certain Courtney’s completely acting, and of course that in itself is alarming because isn’t she embarrassed for like her parents and gramma and ex boyfriends and employers and whatnot to see her this way? But what concerns me even more than this is that the other women contestants aren’t acting at all — and the desperation and neediness and psycho-babble and self-hatred is pure as can be.

Meanwhile

• Emily is a drag.

• Chris Harrison, guys. What’s his deal? I don’t like the way he appears out of nowhere. Where does he come from and where does he go when he exits?

• Concerned about the girls’ calorie intake. There’s so much sitting around, it seems like the perfect opportunity for some bowls of chips or at least fat free pretzels to be passed around? But no, the only nutrient I’ve seen them ingest is white wine with condensation.

• It gives me a small surge of pleasure to know that Casey wasn’t pre-packed for her dismissal. I know how the show really likes the girls to be pre-packed, and I enjoy the idea that Casey threw a wrench in that. Oh and on the topic of suitcases, the purple glitter one I thought was unique to Elyse seems to be standard issue.