THE BACHELOR: I FEEL LIKE YOU THRIVE IN THE GROUP SETTING

How can I properly describe the immense joy that this trainwreck of a show has brought into my life? To think that two weeks ago I didn’t even know Ben Flajnik, or what the real significance of a rose was. Suffice to say, I’m on cloud nine. This show should not be allowed to exist on planet earth but it does and we are the lucky bystanders. (But guys? Are all the eps 2 hours long? Or just at the beginning of the season? I need to know what to expect – let me know if you know.)

So last night’s episode. Let me set the stage for you a bit. I was wearing my black ballerina tutu and tights that my boss/daughter had made me put on for the The Ballet Class Game. My snack was this controversial chip here, which I had and still have very mixed feelings about. On the one hand it breaks almost every chip rule I have, but on the other hand it was what was here as Nick had picked them up for a football thing – and I was semi-compelled by them even as I was disturbed. Basically they are Cool Ranch Doritos but from Whole Foods. Hm.

Some thoughts on last night:

 • Ben is gross. I don’t think he’s particularly gross on a physical level — although horse-laughing feelings-talkers with bobs are not my type — but I think he is pretty disgusto emotionally. I don’t have other Bachelors to compare him with but I do have other human beings to compare him with, and I think it’s odd the way he’s determined to FALL IN LOVE EXTREMELY HARD with each and every one of these girls. After each date he’s all “we had amazing chemistry” and “I can really see myself falling for her” which just makes him seem weirdly earnest and like someone without normal assessment abilities. Take his 1-on-1 with poor, mute Rachel. It was the most awkward date in the entire world where the most they could muster up in the way of conversation were exchanges like There’s a beaver dam./Oh. Yeah. Yet still he won’t give up on her! He wants to give their chemistry a chance to develop! He gives her the rose and she’s staying. Perhaps he is as infatuated with her bangs as I am?

Another grody thing about Ben is that he makes out with anyone who gets within a 3 foot radius of him, which amounts to about a dozen girls a day. There is no vagina-haver he won’t make out with.

Also, it’s annoying that Ben is so outdoorsy. I mean for cripes sake. It’s like a joke the way he can so effortlessly rappel into craters, fly fish, ride horses, downhill ski, and, of course, make wine. Like Indiana Jones combined with the Owen Wilson character in Meet the Parents. Plus, isn’t it so condescending and strangely parental-seeming the way he talks about “exposing” the girls to all his outdoor pursuits and see how they fare? vomit.

So, to sum up: Ben is gross.

• Courtney should stop quoting Charlie Sheen. I’m curious whether she’s coming up with that on her own volition. I would bet dollars that the producers are feeding her lines, such as the award-winning zinger “Let’s be honest, it’s not really about catching the trout, it’s about catching Ben.” [knowing look] Super awesome. In other news, I’m not going to talk a ton of smack about Courtney because I am terrified of her.

• Poor Kacie B. I love that as she becomes increasingly unraveled, so does her hair. She is spiraling rapidly and I’m interested to see if she will soon accept that she’s on a dating show, i.e. it will not shut down production just because of her connection to Ben.

• Lindzi is 28? OK. Also, I cannot think of a more disgusting way to spell that name.

Outstanding q’s

• I’m really curious about what the girls do all day long for all these weeks and months. They have their Livingroom Time, but for gods sake, what else do they get to do all day? Maybe exercise, since I see them in Lululemon clothes a lot? But what else? On Idol, I know the contestants rehearse a lot and do local radio shows and go to movie screenings and have food fights. SYTYCD contestants rehearse about 12 hours a day, sometimes collapse and go to the hospital, and make commercials for Gatorade. But this show is new to me so I don’t have a sense.

• I am so ticked by the rolling suitcases! Like when a girl gets sent home, she has to do the walk of shame Bachelor-version, which involves wheeling a tiny rolling suitcase off the premises. But is that really all her stuff? Really? There’s not also hanging bag for the cocktail dresses? And speaking of suitcases, do they really need to get rid of the shunned girl so fast? I thought it was cruel the way they ushered that girl whose name I never knew out into the falling snow so quickly — with no jacket! –  and shoved her into a limo. Cruel but really funny.

God i love this show.

If you like it too you might enjoy Reality Steve (thanks, RMK). But laden with spoilers so tread at your own peril.